Tomorrow Will be Kinder
by JaneIsles
Summary: Starts at 3x11 – Regina takes them back to her Summer Palace where they encounter Robin and his Merry Men. She's confronted with her past, the loss of her son and the things she has done. She loses control and the strength to deal with it all by herself.Will Robin be able to save Regina from herself and help her find love after all? OUTLAW QUEEN.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Just want to give you some brief information before you start reading. The story starts where we left off in 3x11. The main focus is on Regina and her journey after everything she's been through, and of course this is an OutlawQueen story. Reviews are always appreciated but please be gentle. Thanks a lot to my lovely beta-reader A. Enjoy!**

*******

_Often I wonder why I try_

_hoping for an end  
Sorrow weighs my shoulders down_

_and trouble haunts my mind_

_but I know the present will not last_

_and tomorrow will be kinder._  
(The Secret Sisters)

*** 

"My gift to you is good memories," Regina said and took Emmas hand. "A good life for you and Henry," she smiled and tried to hold back the tears.

"You have never given him up," Regina said and her voice started trembling.

"You have always been together." It was hard but she knew it was the right thing to do. As much as she wanted to take him to the Enchanted Forest, she knew that he did not belong there.

"You would do that?" Emma asked with surprise.

"When I stop Pan's curse and you cross that town line you'll have the life you always wanted," she said and ignored the bitterness that was suddenly spreading inside of her.

"But it won't be real," Emma said quietly. She still couldn't believe what was happening right now. This was exactly what she had always wanted but somehow it didn't feel right.

"Your past won't, but your future will," Regina said and took a deep breath. "Now go," she said and looked at her son. It took all the strength she had to smile at him. She didn't want her last moments with him to be stained with tears.

When she looked at him she suddenly saw the tiny baby she held in her arms so many years ago. Little Henry had been such a cute boy and Regina couldn't be prouder. It had taken some time until they eventually got used to each other and Regina had actually overcome her fear of not being a great mother for Henry.

"There isn't much time left. The curse will be here any minute," Regina said and the pain inside her chest made it difficult to speak. She took Henry in her arms and inhaled that scent of his, that she would always keep in her memories. She placed on last kiss on his forehead and let go. She watched quietly as Emma was forced to say goodbye to her parents again. For the second time in the womans life she was responsible for that. Giving her a life full of happy memories, a life with her son was the least she could do. She owed her that much.

As Regina watched the green smoke approach behind them her heart started hammering inside her chest. She heard nothing but the sound of her very own heart beat echoing inside her head when she took out her own curse.

"Where would this take them?" a voice inside her head asked, but Regina didn't know the answer.

She raised her shivering hands and concentrated on the curse, trying to slow it down just a little to keep everyone alive. It took everything she had. While she focused on her task with tears streaming down her face she realized how much she despised the color purple.

This was her magic, her curse and her failure. Without her need for revenge they wouldn't be in that place at all. She wanted a fresh start with everything she had always wanted and it wasn't until now that she noticed that all she fought for so dearly was gone.

She had wanted a child to fill the emptiness inside her heart. Over the years she had learned to love Henry more then herself. He was the most important part of her life, he was everything to her. At some point her love for him was stronger than her wish for revenge. In the far distance she could see them driving away and for an instant she wanted to be with them, to run away and never look back.

When the smoke surrounded them, her mind went blank. She felt her heart break into a thousand pieces when she realized that there was no going back. She had failed and for the second time in her life lost everything she loved so dearly. This time she sacrificed her own happiness to give Henry a chance of a life outside of Storybrooke, a chance to be with his mother. A normal life without magic and fairy-tale characters. He deserved it more than anyone.

She had given it all up to save the people she had cursed, tore from their lives in the Enchanted Forest and brought here in the first place. She knew that many years ago, she wouldn't have given a damn about them but she had changed. She knew it and felt it, she wanted to change for her son and the chance of a better life at some point in her future. She wanted to do the right thing but now she was asking herself if it was all worth it.

"Look where it got you," she heard that voice inside her mind, full of bitterness. She didn't want to go back to the Enchanted Forest. She dreaded that place with all her heart. She got used to Storybrooke and she knew that this was her home now. She never wanted to return to the Forest where all these terrible things had happened in her past. Where she'd been turned into a person she never wanted to be until there had been no chance of return.

She didn't want to be the Evil Queen any longer. She finally knew what it was like when people saw her as Regina, without fear or anger in their eyes. She was sick of people trying to fight her. She didn't want to fight. All she wanted was her son but he was gone. She slowly felt her power draining from her body and let herself fall into the darkness of the smoke and her destiny to be trapped in the forest forever.

The next time she felt her senses come to life she didn't know where exactly she was. At first there was a deadly silence and she wondered if she was still alive. She heard voices that faded as soon as they had appeared and then it went silent again. She felt a cold floor beneath her body and didn't dare to open her eyes, not before she mentally braced herself for whatever expected her as soon as she did.

She took a deep breath, every inch of her body aching with the effort. She didn't want to be here and her body was fighting it with every living cell in her body. She couldn't breathe properly, her chest felt awfully tight. She wasn't sure whether it was the aftermath of the curse or her wardrobe that had changed by the time she arrived in the Enchanted Forest. She tried to move but felt too weak to do so. Her fingers slowly moved from the dirty floor, touching the clothes that covered her waist. She didn't recognize the fabric and she certainly wasn't wearing that before.

She quietly sighed when she realized that she must be dressed in her Evil Queen garments. She didn't even have the strength to move her hand to change her appearance magically, before anyone could see her like this. She couldn't hear any familiar sounds and she started to feel real cold. The cold air settled on her face and her hands. She smelled grass; she could be close to a forest. Once more Regina tried to get up but her head was pounding with pain and she winced quietly. She didn't remember any time where she had ever felt this weak before.

Before she had the chance to try again, she heard footsteps in the distance. Her heart hammered against her chest. The cold floor beneath her sent a sudden chill through her body. Now that she was pinned to the floor by her own weakness, or being held down – she wasn't so sure of that – she felt something seeping through her veins that she had rarely felt before.

For a second she wanted to scream, but kept quiet. She tried to be as still as possible. She opened her eyes slowly but could hardly see a thing. She could tell that it was dark, the stars glistened like diamonds, looking rather pretty, but she couldn't make out where she was. She listened carefully as the footsteps grew louder, her body trembling with fear.

He wandered around the outskirts of the castle, just like he did every evening to make sure that no one tried to invade it. So far it had been a quiet night and he didn't expect much when he had stepped out of the front door earlier. The truth was that nothing ever happened around here lately.

He walked through the grounds of the castle that once belonged to the Evil Queen, so he heard. He had never met her in person but even in Sherwood Forest, people had talked about her with fear in their eyes.

She had had quite a reputation that went far beyond the borders of this realm.

By the time he and his Merry Men arrived in the Enchanted Forest, this place had been deserted. There was nothing left and he didn't complain. Especially in the winter, the castle was a better shelter then a tent in the forest. And the absence of the Evil Queen suited him very well.

He wasn't so sure if he actually wanted to meet her. Not from what people had said about her. She was surely a person to avoid.

The night was quiet and he had almost finished his round when he heard a loud noise from somewhere outside the castle. He quickly hid in the shades to make sure he wouldn't be discovered. He listened closely and heard a few voices though he couldn't make out how many people they were and what they were saying.

He needed to have a better look. As quietly as possible he set out to cut through the inner courtyard and hesitated when he saw someone laying on the ground. He was certain that, whoever this was, had not been there the first time he came across this place. Slowly, he raised his bow and approached. In the dim moonlight he realized that it must be a woman. She was wearing a dress, but she didn't move.

"Hello?" she heard a man's voice asking from afar. She didn't know that voice, it sounded deep and soft and there was something about it that calmed her a little.

"Are you alright?" The man asked with a lovely accent to his voice that she couldn't place anywhere in the Enchanted Forest. She heard the dirt crunch beneath his feet as he approached. Had she heard his voice before? It seemed oddly familiar.

"Are you okay?" he asked again, but the woman didn't move which worried him a little. He took his bow down and kneeled beside her. The first thing he noticed was her dress. It didn't look like anything he'd seen anyone wear before and it certainly didn't look very comfortable. Most of all it seemed a little out of place, considering that she was entirely on her own, on the ground in the middle of a dark and deserted courtyard, in the middle of the night. The air was rather chilly and he was certain that she must be freezing.

Robin wasn't sure what to do. She was shivering and struggling to get up but something held her back. Slowly he raised a hand and placed it on her forehead. Her skin felt ice cold to his touch. Regina frightened for a moment when she felt his hand on her forehead.

"What was he going to do to her?" She slowly turned her head and opened her eyes, blinking several times. Her sight was still slightly blurred but when it slowly sharpened she looked into the eyes of a stranger. She knew she hadn't seen him before. Regina was sure she'd have remembered him.

"I'm not going to hurt you," he said quietly when he realized that she was feeling uneasy and for some strange reason she believed him. There was something soothing about his presence and the warmth of his hand against her cold skin. Many years ago she probably would've torn him to pieces for touching her like that but she didn't care. The soft touch was quite welcoming and she didn't have much to loose after all.

She tried to get up and didn't protest when he helped her.

"Who are you?" she asked and her voice sounded a lot weaker then she had intended to.

"My name is Robin Locksley, Milady," he said. "To whom do I owe the pleasure?" he asked although it slowly dawned on him that he already knew the answer.

"My name..." Regina said quietly while she tried not to shiver too hard from the cold. "I am... the..."

"The Queen," he finished the sentence for her and she looked at him with a puzzled look on her face. Of course, she thought. The dress must've given her away but the first thing that came to Robin's mind was a drawing of a much younger person that he had found in the castle a few days ago. He was certain it showed the Queen at some point in her life.

Regina looked around. From her current position that place suddenly looked oddly familiar.

"The Summer Palace," she whispered, more to herself.

"Excuse me, Milady?"

"This is my Summer Palace," she said softly and he could tell that she was either very weak or tired. Probably both. It must've been the last thing on her mind before the curse took them all away. It was better then camping out in the forest with unknown creatures creeping through the woods. As much as she despised all of this, they had to find shelter somewhere.

"I suggest we find a warmer place for you, your Majesty," he said and took her hand to help her to her feet. She noticed that he had addressed her differently but she was too exhausted to care. The emptiness inside of her was only replaced by the cold that was now seeping through her veins.

Regina struggled to her feet and tried to focus. It irritated her a lot that she didn't even have the strength to walk and before she could do anything about it she felt herself being lifted in his arms as he slowly carried her toward the castle. She didn't use any magic nor did she intend to do so. She didn't fight when he lifted her into his arms.

Robin didn't care what kind of stories people where telling about the Evil Queen, ignored how ruthless she was supposed to be. The woman he now carried in his arms was nothing close to that. All he saw was someone who didn't even have the strength to walk, shivering from the biting cold.

He wondered what had happened to such a powerful woman, how had she ended up in that courtyard after all? He wanted to ask so many things but now wasn't the right time. The only place she needed right now was a warm place to recover.

When he reached the door, he hesitated for a second. The warm light of the candles fell softly on her face. She had her eyes closed, looking rather calm. He couldn't help but admit that she was quite beautiful. For a moment he wished that she would open her eyes so he could look into them once more, but she didn't. When he slowly climbed the steps he actually wondered if he had met her before, because there was something about her that seemed familiar.

He pushed that thought away and carried her into the castle.


	2. Chapter 2

Regina slowly woke from her sleep. Once again she kept her eyes closed but this time she wasn't freezing in a deserted, dark courtyard. She must be in a bed, it was warmer and softer. She took a deep breath but something was holding her back. She couldn't breathe, she felt a hint of panic running through her veins. She opened her eyes and saw that she was still dressed in one of her most uncomfortable gowns. She despised its sight and moved her hand, relaxing when her body was wrapped in a soft and simple dress that hugged her body tightly. Regina sighed and opened her eyes again. She slowly realized where she was but that couldn't be true, could it? She sat down and her gaze wandered through the room that was so familiar to her.

She wasn't quite sure whether she was having a nightmare or not. But this certainly wasn't funny.

Regina hugged herself, fighting off a chill that ran through her body. Her eyes were drawn to the balcony to her left. She saw her younger self walking toward the railing, desperate to escape. It was so many years ago but it suddenly felt like it was yesterday when she tried to end her miserable life and escape this prison. It was the only solution she'd had. She'd wanted to run away, she had wanted to end it all. Her situation was quite similar to the one she was in now. She slowly moved from the bed, wearily walking toward the railing. She looked down and felt the emptiness over-taking her. Regina hadn't had any hope when she decided to jump, she had nothing to lose and nothing to fight for.

There were dark clouds in the sky, she didn't know exactly what time it was but it must be late afternoon. She'd slept through most of the day and she didn't care.

She gripped the cold railing with both hands and closed her eyes. It was then that Tinker Bell had saved her. For just a small moment she had felt like she had someone worth living for, she had found a friend but at some point she had ruined it all.

When Tink had shown her the man that was supposed to be her true love, she simply ran away. She hadn't been brave enough and she'd lost a chance of happiness, she'd lost a friend.

Her soulmate. Her true love. She heard Tinker Bell's excited voice echoing in her head.

What if?

Regina shook her head in silence, surprised by the sudden bitterness and the anger inside of her. She was angry that she hadn't been brave enough to enter that tavern, to give it a chance. Where would she be now? What if she had never turned out to be the Evil Queen? She bit her lip and wondered what had happened to the man with the lion tattoo.

"You ruined his life too," she heard Tinker Bell saying some time ago, when they were caught in Neverland. She'd hated that fairy for it but she'd been right and it hurt a little. Deep inside, she was hoping that he had found his true love after all.

_She didn't wake when Robin gently set her down on the bed. He'd had quietly followed Snow into Regina's room. She knew her way around the castle as well as he did but he had never been into these rooms. His Merry Men had made sure that no one was hiding up there when they first arrived but he himself had never set foot into these rooms. It seemed inappropriate and he knew he didn't belong there._

_He'd been surprised when he ran into Snow and the others when he entered the castle but the company could've been worse. They looked at him with surprise and worry written on their faces when they realized that Regina was unconscious._

"_Is she okay?" Snow asked and stepped forward._

"_I think she'll be fine," Robin said. "She was still awake when I found her but she seemed exhausted. She just needs a warm place to recover," he said._

"_Her room," Snow suggested. "We should take her to her room," Robin nodded and followed Snow who quietly led the way._

_They didn't talk when they climbed the stairs to the Queen's bedroom. Every few seconds he looked at the woman in his arms, still sleeping soundly. She looked so familiar but he could not remember where he'd seen her before. He knew he would remember her._

"_This way," Snow said and when Robin stepped into Regina's room it was everything he expected. The room was neatly arranged. At the far end of the room there was a balcony, the moonlight fell softly into the room. Not too far from it was a bed with white bedding and a fireplace on the other side of it. He set her down on the bed and looked down at the brunette. Her dress didn't seem comfortable but taking it off of her wouldn't feel right._

"_I'll have a look in the other rooms," Snow said and Robin nodded in response. They'd all need a place to stay for the night and she was sure they'd appreciate a warm place to spend the night._

_He watched Snow leaving the room and headed toward the fireplace. Quietly he bent down and started to make a fire that'd keep her warm during the night._

_A couple of minutes later, he watched the hot flames dance in front of his eyes and found himself lost in thoughts._

_He had a sudden urge to talk to her. He wanted to hear her voice and ask her so many questions. He wanted to know more about the stranger he found in the middle of the night. He got up and walked toward the bed, watching her for a few seconds. There was something about her that fascinated him but he couldn't define it. He suppressed the urge to touch her face gently and left her to sleep._

_He'd come back in the morning to see how she was doing._

...

She stared down into sheer emptiness. Back then she'd thrown it all away because she'd been a coward and now she'd give everything she had to go back and be with her son. It then dawned on her that she no longer had anything. She'd lost it all.

Slowly, Regina stepped away from the railing, not trusting herself. This time there wouldn't be a fairy to save her. She stepped back into her room, feeling utterly lost. She'd trapped herself in this ancient prison again and this time she didn't have an escape plan. She felt somewhat hopeless, the walls slowly closing in on her.

She couldn't breathe, she needed to get away from there. It was quiet when she stepped out of her room, there didn't seem to be anyone around and she was grateful for it. She wasn't in the mood to talk, she wanted them to leave her alone. To let her grieve her loss quietly.

A few minutes later, she stepped into the great room. There was a deserted fireplace at one end of the room and a mirror not too far from it. Most of her things were still in their places, no one had dared to touch any of it. She ran her fingers across the table while she walked past it. There was just a fine layer of dusk on the surface.

"Feels like it was yesterday," she heard her own voice inside her head. She stood in the middle of the room, feeling awfully out of place. She was at a loss, she didn't know what was right and wrong and what she wanted. She resented all of this and when her eyes met her own reflection in the mirror, she felt the rage burning inside of her.

This time there was only one difference.

She was angry with herself and no one else. Before she knew what was happening she quickly walked toward the mirror and shattered the reflection with her bare hands. She felt the glass splinter beneath her fingers, not bothering that it cut her skin. She couldn't stand her reflection, she couldn't stand any of this.

Her heart was hammering against her chest, her hands shaking. She walked to the fireplace and took her things down, shattering them to a thousand pieces on the cold, hard floor. She wanted it all to go, she wasn't that person any longer and she never wanted to go back.

She took everything in her reach, her vision suddenly blurred with tears that streamed down her face. With every piece that was gone she cried a little harder, screaming with frustration and pain.

Her hand was bleeding but she didn't care. There was a throbbing pain and it only reminded her of the fact that her heart was still beating furiously inside her chest. She walked to the desk on tired feet, the fragments of her life crunching beneath her feet. There was nothing left. She gripped the edge of the table with both hands, the sobs quietly shaking her body. She wanted to reach out, wanted to lose her anger but all of a sudden she had no strength left. She was shocked by how quickly she had shattered herself, how her life had crumbled to such a mess.

The hot tears streamed down her face and she screamed in agony, pushing the chair away that seemed to be in her way when she heard a voice behind her. It was far and she wanted to run away but her trembling feet wouldn't carry her anywhere. She was exhausted and surrendered to her grieve and pain. She slowly let herself slide to the ground when two arms caught her from behind and held her tightly. Regina instantly fell apart, her cries echoing through the empty room, it was the most heartbreaking sound he'd ever heard.

When he held her in her arms to soothe her, he was surprised she didn't tell him off. She was completely enwrapped in her pain and sorrow and he tried to soothe her before she hurt herself seriously. She slowly leaned back in his arms. The tears streaming down her face wouldn't stop for a very long time. Without looking she knew who was holding her. She didn't know him but she suddenly felt safe for the time-being. When the sobs slowly subsided he held her a little tighter and waited for her to calm down.

Regina leaned back in his arms, she'd almost forgotten how soothing someone else's presence could be. She stared at her bloody hands through tear stained eyes and wondered if the pain would ever go away.

His name was Robin, he'd told her last night and she remembered what he'd told her when he'd saved her from the darkness.

"I'm not going to hurt you," he'd said and she believed him.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

He waited quietly, holding the crying woman tightly in his arms. He didn't know what to say to her, they had just met but holding her seemed like the right thing to do.

There was no need for words, he held her tightly against his chest while her tense body slowly relaxed against his. She leaned back, his presence feeling so oddly comforting right now. Regina tried to take a deep breath but her chest was so tight that it seemed impossible. She tried to remain calm and waited until the sobs subsided. The tears slowly dried on her cheeks but the pain didn't. It lingered inside of her, trying to find a way to the surface but she fought with all her strength to keep it locked up.

She felt empty. For just a few instants there was nothing left inside of her. Her heart was hammering inside her chest but she felt hollow and numb. She didn't want anyone to see her like this; she was ashamed of her outburst and loss of control.

She was the Queen; she should know how to keep her composure.

Regina slowly leaned back a little more, her head resting against his shoulder. She didn't have the strength to fight against it, to push him away. For now the sensation of his beating heart against her body was soothing. Regina looked at her trembling fingers and the blood that had spread across her skin. She quietly winced at the pain which caught Robin's attention.

"We should have a look at that," he said quietly. He slowly got up to help her to her feet and the loss of his body warmth made her shiver for a moment. He stood behind her and looked into the empty, disconsolate room.

He wondered what happened to this woman to break her so painfully.

He took her by the elbow and led her out of the room. She didn't know what to say and followed him wordlessly. He hesitated for a second when they reached her room but didn't lead her inside. He walked past it and led her down the corridor to his.

He quietly regarded the Queen and felt the need to protect her. He didn't want anyone to see her like this. Her face was wet with tears, her eyes red, her hands stained with blood that was still leaking from a cut. She appeared detached and numb, still shivering a little. The emotional outburst had drained all the strength from her body and he knew there was more to come. Something about this broken woman told him that she'd just scratched the surface. Most of the pain was still locked away deep inside her.

She followed him into a room that she'd never entered before. It was simple but somewhat comforting and the warmth of the fire radiated through the room, caressing her wounded skin. Robin led her to the edge of the bed where she sat down.

"I'll be right back," he said softly, she noticed that there was a hint of worry to his voice and she wondered why. Why would he care for her, they'd only just met the night before and she didn't deserve his concern. Not for all the terrible things she'd done and most of all she didn't need his pity she just didn't have the strength to tell him.

She watched him walking toward the fireplace, busying himself with something she couldn't see.

Robin, she thought. That was his name. Regina closed her eyes and felt the tears dwell behind them. She hated herself for it, didn't want Robin to see her being such a mess. God knows she'd given away enough already. She bit her lip and waited until the emotions subsided but failed. She took a slow breath while the fresh hot tears ran across her face. She turned her head to hide them from Robin. He kneeled down in front of her; he'd seen the tears but knew better than to say anything about it.

"Your majesty," he said softly and reached out for her wounded hand. She looked at her bleeding hand and put the other one protectively above it, keeping it close.

"Just let me have a look, Milady," he said and reached out for her again. She was touched by the tenderness in his voice and the way he seemed to care for her. She couldn't recall a time when someone had done this for her and despite her wish to be alone she wasn't in any position to tell him off.

After a few seconds she held out her hand, watched him taking it in his own.

"Regina," she whispered and he looked up. "It's Regina," she whispered barely audible. "Her majesty" didn't suit her any longer. She didn't want that. She didn't like the sound of it.

When he held her hand in his, he looked into her soft brown eyes.

"Such a beautiful woman," he thought but he also noticed the emptiness inside of them.

Carefully he looked for splinters before he started cleaning the wound with a white cloth and warm water. He took his time cleaning the blood off her hands. He wanted to be gentle and give her some comfort before she changed her mind and pushed him away. She tensed a little when he touched the wound with the cloth.

"I'm almost done, Milady," he said and looked at her. There were fresh tears pooling in the corner of her eyes and he set the cloth aside. She watched him reach for a small tin and the smell of herbs reached her nose. Once again he took her hand in his and gently rubbed the herbal paste onto her hand. She watched their hands, getting lost in that image for just an instant. He then wrapped a fresh cloth around her wounded hand.

"You need to keep it clean," he said and she nodded quietly. She knew that but kept it to herself. In the past she had taken care of many cuts and bruises Henry had had. He wished that there was more he could do but he didn't know what. He didn't want to leave her on her own. He had no idea what had happened to her. He'd heard stories people used to tell but that couldn't be it and he knew that stories changed with the people who told them. What was it that caused her so much pain?

Regina didn't know what to do. She was exhausted and empty. She felt like a hollow shell with nothing left inside of her. Everything was numb and she was ashamed. She was angry and extremely sad at the same time. She wanted to scream and to run away but in the end she couldn't even move from the bed. Her hand felt better now that it had been cleaned but it was still throbbing with pain.

Robin put the dirty cloth away and put a kettle on the fire. A hot cup of tea never harmed anyone and she looked like she needed it. "Is... is there anything I can do for you?" he asked and kneeled down in front of the Queen again.

"No," she said with a hoarse voice. "There's nothing anyone can do," she said with bitterness in her voice. He felt sorry for her, he wanted to help her but what was he supposed to do? Tell her that everything will be alright?

He'd heard her cry, seen her completely shattered and he knew that she was far from being ok.

The way she uttered these words told him that she didn't have much hope left for the time-being.

"Please don't tell me there's always something I can do and that I just need to have a bit of hope..." she said without looking at him. It made him smile for a moment and he tried his best to hide it from her. That sounded a bit more like the Queen he'd heard of. She was slowly regaining her composure.

_Good for her._ He told himself and returned to the fireplace to see if the water was ready. At the same time he wondered what would happen once she left that room. Something told him that things will be different by the time she steps out of it.

"Seems like everyone's favorite thing to do," she said more to herself. Robin just watched her from afar.

After a few seconds he asked: "Is that such a bad thing? Hope?"

She thought about that before she answered.

"Maybe not," she admitted and busied herself with the cloth that was wrapped around her hand. "I'm just so tired of it. Didn't get me anywhere."

"I see," Robin said. He tried to understand her, to figure out what was going on inside of her but with every passing second it seemed harder. She was withdrawing, he felt that. She was slowly retreating to her protective shell.

"When was the last time you had some food?" he asked her and approached. He could see that it had thrown her off; he saw it on her face.

"Excuse me?" she asked a little irritated because it didn't seem important to her at that moment.

"When was the last time you actually had some food?" he repeated his question just as calm. For all he knew he took her to her room last night and no one had seen her since, she must be starved. The truth was that she didn't even remember.

"I'm fine," she said and slowly got up from the bed, approaching Robin.

"Would you like some tea?" he asked and handed her the cup before she had a chance to refuse. She took it with her good hand and looked at the man in front of her. It was actually the first time she really looked at him. He was tall and handsome, he had wonderful blue eyes and there was something about his presence that calmed her. She allowed herself to get lost in it for a bit before something inside of her panicked a little. She couldn't lose control again. She needed to stay strong and she hated the feeling of being so vulnerable.

"I need to go," she said all of a sudden and he could see it in her eyes, she was gone. He took the cup that she passed him, not sure about what happened.

"Regina!" he called after her but she'd already left. He took a deep breath and listened to her footsteps in the distance. Maybe he was the one who needed to have a little bit of faith. A couple of minutes later he joined the others in the dining hall, telling them that Regina was okay. He was certain she would not meet them for supper tonight and they didn't need to know what really happened. It didn't feel right to tell them.

On the other side of the castle Regina stepped into her room – the very one she tried to escape from earlier – she thanked God that he didn't follow her. She needed to be on her own, be it in this room that had caused her so much pain. The truth was that there was hardly any spot in this castle that did not remind her of her past here in some way. She just had to deal with it.

Slowly, she walked into the room and took a deep breath. She felt uneasy, felt that blood on her skin where it had stained the sleeve of her dress. She needed to get out of it, it was disgusting. It just didn't feel right and she had to wash it all away. The blood, her memories and the shame. She took off her dress with deadly silence surrounding her. It was comforting and scary at the same time, the only thing she heard was her very own breath. She didn't dare to look into the mirror, she didn't want to look at her reflection.

There had never been a moment when she'd been more grateful for her magic. With just a snap of her wrist she stepped into a hot shower, something she certainly missed. She was quite proud of it and would keep that all to herself. Her muscles slowly relaxed under the hot water, easing her pain just a little. She didn't know how long she stood there but it made her feel free.

When she finally laid down on her bed she prayed for a dreamless and peaceful night.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

_"Inside here lies the beginning of your happiness," Tinker Bell said way more excited then she was herself. She took Regina by the hand and led her through a deserted street. The only sound she heard were the muffled voices from people inside various pubs. Along with the beating of her heart that was furiously drumming against her chest with excitement and nervousness, she heard nothing._

_Regina was excited but scared at the same time. She kept looking around, grateful for the lack of people. She wasn't sure whether they would've recognized her as their Queen anyway. It was such a liberating feeling that the King was traveling at the moment. She was a prisoner in her own castle and this was her only chance to get out and with Tinker Bell she had found her first friend in a very, very long time. She had put so much effort into helping Regina that it became difficult to refuse._

_And the truth was that a part of Regina was terribly curious._

"_All the pain in your past will be just dead," Tink said and led her to a window. Regina bit her lip._

_What did she know of my pain?_

_She made it sound so easy, Regina thought. Suddenly she wasn't so sure if this had been a good idea after all._

"_I just need a moment," Regina said and took a step back, away from the window. Her soul-mate was in there, at least that's what the fairy said. With every passing second, she found it harder to believe. For so many years, she had tried so hard but she had never felt happy again. Never felt loved or understood because all people saw in her was evil. That's what she had become and there was no going back._

"_You're nervous. I get it," Tink said. "But look," she said and pointed at the window, to a man who was sitting inside that very pub. "There he is," she said quietly and Regina couldn't stand it any longer. She needed to see him. Maybe this time, she thought and stepped closer._

"_The guy with the lion tattoo," Tinker Bell explained and Regina needed a few seconds to spot him inside the pub._

"_That's him?" she asked carefully. It was so hard to believe that there was anyone out there who could love her. She had gotten used to being hated way too much. It recently had been easier to hide behind all of this instead of facing her own fears and feelings._

_It was then that she saw the tattoo. The black ink on his right arm, but she couldn't see his face._

"_Pixie dust doesn't lie," the fairy encouraged her. "This is your chance at love and happiness," she told the Queen. "A fresh start, no baggage," she said. "You can let go of all the anger that weighs you down," she said and Regina shook her head. It wasn't that easy. For such a long time, her anger was the only thing she had. She didn't know what else there was left for her._

"_Now get him," Tinker Bell said but she herself was scared. After Daniel died she had never been with anyone she loved. She didn't know how to love and trust any longer, how was she supposed to let a stranger into her life and burden him with anything she had done? It didn't feel right._

"_Ok," she agreed after a few moments of consideration. "Ok, I can do this," she said. The fairy had put so much effort into this and she knew about all the terrible things that had happened. Yet she was here and she believed in this. She had to give it a try, she told herself._

"_I can be happy," Regina said. She wasn't sure whether that was a statement or a question she was asking herself._

"_I know you can," Tinker Bell said. She wouldn't let go of this. What she actually said was that she knew that there is a lot of good inside of Regina. She believed it with everything she had._

"_Go," Tink said and stepped away to give Regina some space, leaving her on her own with only a few steps that separated her from true love. She hesitated for just one more moment, grabbed the handle and opened the door. She took a step forward, determined to walk in and to meet this stranger but her smile faded as soon as it had appeared. Before she could do anything about it, she panicked and ran away. Into the darkness of the night, alone._

__

Slowly, her senses came to life but she didn't have the strength to open her eyes. She felt sleepy and confused, taking a few deep breaths before she started to move slowly. She didn't want to be awake, she was so exhausted from all of this that she wanted nothing but sleep but her mind tortured her with ancient demons. She didn't know how long she'd been asleep but she didn't feel well rested at all. Her head was pounding with pain, every inch of her body hurt and she felt even more exhausted then she had by the time she first fell asleep.

She tried to move just a little, shivering when the cold air touched her body. It was then that she realized that all her clothes were clammy. It wasn't warm enough for her clothes to be soaked with sweat, she thought and sighed. She propped herself up and leaned against the pillows. The headache and the sleep that was still running in her veins clouded her vision.

Just a few more seconds, she told herself. She didn't allow herself to reflect on her dream which wasn't just a dream after all. This had happened many years ago and through the years she had done her best not to think about it but it seemed that her consciousness had other plans.

Regina laid in her bed, her arms spread out on either side of her body. She watched her chest rise and fall as her breath calmed down. When it finally did, she turned her head and stared at her injured hand. She had put a new cloth on when the shower had soaked the other but maybe she could take care of it herself now. She moved her fingers until the cloth became loose, grateful that she had only taped it half-heartedly earlier. After a few times, it came off and she stared at the cut in her hand. Regina closed her eyes and tried to focus. Suddenly she felt his hands in hers, gently massaging her palm to ease the pain. His fingers had been so soft and he had been so gentle she thought but she knew she couldn't let him in. With a sigh she tried to focus once more and used her magic to heal the cut in her hand. Much to her surprise and her own quiet anger, it took more strength than she had expected. Again she was left breathless, sweat breaking out on her face and the pain in her head became worse, blinding her for an instant. She cursed herself in frustration and opened her tear-filled eyes.

She hadn't thought about this for years. She had refused to, thought that it didn't matter.

"But why does it suddenly hurt so much?" she wondered. It was gone, she had missed her chance when she ran away from that pub, so why did it matter now? The last thing she needed was a reminder of how she had not only screwed up her own life but his as well, as Tinker Bell had reminded her of recently.

Regina didn't know how long she had slept though it felt like only a couple of minutes had passed since she had stepped out of the shower. She was exhausted and tired but she knew that that she wouldn't be able to sleep now. Regina stared into the emptiness of her room, accompanied by her thoughts that wouldn't shut up.

I wonder what happened to him, she said to herself. Tormented by unspoken words, meetings that never happened and chances left untaken she finally moved out of bed when the first signs of daylight showed in the sky. She felt shaky and wrapped herself in one of her gowns before she quietly made her way down to the kitchen. She prayed that no one would be down there; she wasn't in the mood for company so early in the morning. Truth be told, she wasn't in the mood for anyone right now and her current attire wasn't quite queen-like.

To her relief the kitchen was deserted at such an early hour. Quietly she started to make some tea and get lost in her own thoughts.

"Oh look who's awake," she heard someone saying. Regina startled and looked at Granny who'd just entered the kitchen. Regina tried to ignore the old lady and busied herself with her tea.

"You should have something to eat girl," she said after watching Regina for a moment. She looked like she certainly needed it.

"Don't you have breakfast to prepare?" Regina asked and failed to hide her irritation. The old lady though, having dealt with worse things than an irritated queen, ignored the remark. "Just did, I've made some bread, if you like," she said and Regina turned around to face her.

It was then that she actually smelled the fresh bread and she hated to admit that it was delicious.

Why hadn't she noticed that before? Being the proud and stubborn person she is, she wouldn't give in now. She couldn't do her that favor.

Granny looked like she was about to say something and Regina remained quiet. She had to admit that Granny was the only person that she had always respected in some way. She hadn't been afraid of Regina when the first curse struck, she had never withheld any remark and she had always treated Regina like anyone else, not like a queen. Many years ago this had made her furious because it seemed disrespectful but now Regina was actually grateful for it though she'd never tell the old bat.

"Are you alright?" Granny asked and approached. Regina was taken aback by the question because it was more subtle all of a sudden, it sounded like she was actually interested in the answer. Something Regina wasn't used to.

"I... I'm fine," was all Regina could say when they heard noises from outside; laughter disturbing the stillness of the morning.

"If you say so," Granny said and raised an eyebrow at her. All Regina could do was look at her in silence before Granny said:

"Looks like the boys are back from their morning hunt."

The sound of the laughter increased and Regina realized that she didn't want to be seen like this. She didn't feel like laughing, she wanted to make an excuse and grabbed her tea when she heard his voice.

"Morning Granny," he said.

She recognized his voice immediately and panicked. She was still ashamed and afraid because he'd seen her so vulnerable. She wouldn't know what to say, she couldn't do it. Her slight panic attack didn't go unnoticed but Granny didn't say anything. Regina just gave her an apologetic look before she quickly fled the kitchen.

"Was that... Regina?" Robin asked Granny, he'd stepped into the kitchen just after Regina decided to leave. He was certain he'd seen her.

"The Queen?" Granny asked, stressing the title after he'd used her first name. She always noticed these things and Regina probably had a reason for running away from him, which had been quite obvious.

"Maybe... maybe not," she told him and he gave her his best smile. "If you want something, ask her yourself," she told him straight away and he laughed. He just wanted to know if she was alright but he was sure she got the message.

When Regina returned to her room she closed the door and leaned against it. She had this awful feeling of a déjà-vu; of herself running away just like that. She just couldn't do it. She had no idea what to make of it. They'd barely said a word to each other and yet he'd seen her at her worst. She'd already let him closer than anyone in her life and that feeling scared her. She was afraid to trust, to let them in. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't let them come too close. When she heard his voice, that spoke to her so softly when she wasn't well, she was afraid because she didn't know what he'd say and she couldn't be so weak again.

Despite the fact that she panicked a little, she didn't miss the fact that her heart beat a little bit faster at the sound of his voice. She let out a deep sigh. It was time she got something to eat; her mind was starting to play tricks on her. Much to her surprise she found a loaf of fresh bread and some butter, waiting on the table.

She didn't need to ask where this came from or who did this. Something told her that she already knew the answer.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

"Are you okay?" Snow asked.

She hadn't seen Regina since they'd arrived and, no matter what had happened in their past, she'd started to worry a little. It wasn't like her to hide. Regina would never admit that something was going wrong, she wouldn't hide. If there was one thing she had learned about Regina it was the fact that she suffered with her head held high. She wouldn't hide from anyone. She looked at her and suddenly she wasn't sure any longer. The woman in front of her seemed different; this was not the Queen, the evil person, who had turned her whole life upside down and tried to kill her numerous times.

Regina sat by the window, wearing a simple dark blue dress. The fabric hugged her body tightly, it was beautiful and impressive but not too much. Her hair was tied back in a plain ponytail, something Snow had never seen her do before. The Queen that Snow had known would've never worn that with anyone else around. She'd always been dressed in one of her best dresses. Regina sat there, hugging herself in silence. She took a few seconds to respond to the question.

It annoyed her a lot, wasn't it obvious that nothing was fine? Why would they ask when they knew the answer?

It made her angry because she didn't want to respond to it, she couldn't tell them the truth. She didn't want them to know; it wasn't any of their business. Regina closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to hold back her frustration. She was tired of lying and yet she couldn't be honest.

"Of course," Regina said emotionless and Snow approached a little. She knew Regina wouldn't appreciate it if she pressed that matter. A part of Snow felt sorry for her. She looked so detached and exhausted; like she hadn't slept properly in days. The first thing that came to her mind when she'd entered the room earlier was something she had never thought about before, not when it came to Regina.

_Broken,_ Snow thought.

For the first time in her life, she'd even consider that possibility. Not for once had she thought about it. It hadn't been until now that she was reminded of the fact that Regina was just human after all, like any of them. Queen or no queen, she had feelings like any of them. If felt stupid that she had never thought about that before but Regina hadn't allowed anyone to see any emotion, not even a little bit. She had always been cold-hearted and distant, or so they thought. She had suffered proudly, coped with never ending rage on her own because that's what she wanted them to see. She had inflicted fear in so many people just to protect herself from being hurt.

That had been a long time ago, Snow reminded herself. She had worked so hard, changed so much in these past months and still she had lost it all. She had lost her child and so much more, she had no strength left to fight. It was coming to an end, she could see that. If only she knew how to help her.

"We've been worried, Regina," Snow said quietly, Regina gave her a humorless laugh and shook her head. Deep inside it touched her that they had thought about her. They had noticed that she'd been gone, but it was so hard to let her know.

"We'll find a way," Snow said. "I know this is the last thing you want to hear now so I'll just keep it to myself..." Snow said and tried to find the right words.

_Hope_, Regina thought. There it was again.

"We'll find a way home," Snow said and sat down beside Regina, keeping a respective distance.

"What does it matter?" Regina asked and looked at the princess. The bitterness had once again returned. "My son is gone," she said quietly and looked at her hands. "It doesn't matter if we're stuck here or in Storybrooke. He's gone."

Only a few days ago she had dreaded coming here, now she wasn't sure if she even cared. In the end it wouldn't make a difference.

This time Snow was left speechless. Regina was right, he was gone. Just like her daughter. They both left Storybrooke with new memories. They'd started a new life far away from magic. Although Snow believed that they could find a way to bring them back, she couldn't promise it. Not to herself and certainly not to Regina. For the first time, the reality actually dawned on Snow.

Regina was right, it didn't matter.

In Storybrooke she'd only be tormented by the fact that her daughter was gone. Being in the Enchanted Forest put a distance between all of this. Emma and Henry had never been to their land, they hadn't shared memories with anyone in this castle but back in Storybrooke, everything reminded her of her daughter and all the years she had already missed.

Snow looked down at her own hands and remained quiet. Going back would only remind her of Emma on every corner of the street. She'd be so close and yet so far away and out of reach. She wasn't sure if she could deal with it.

Regina looked up when Snow didn't say anything. She wasn't used to the princess being so quiet. She never gave up easily but then she realized that they shared the same kind of pain. She had lost her child as well and it had been Regina's fault.

"I'm sorry," Regina said quietly, the emotions tightening her chest. "I never wanted you to lose your child. Again."

Snow looked up, into Reginas eyes. She saw her own pain reflected in them but she couldn't be angry. She had given up on that many years ago when she realized that she hadn't been innocent in all of this and she'd never forgotten that the young woman who'd saved her life hadn't been evil. She'd been a young woman, happily in love. She hadn't been angry, she'd been turned angry.

"I've been so angry with you for such a long time," Snow said and put her hand on Reginas. To her surprise she didn't tell her off and Snow enjoyed the moment of kindness before it was gone, before Regina would shut her out again.

"Tell me about it," Regina said and there was the smallest hint of a smile on her lips.

"I've given up on that," Snow told her. "There's always a point where you have to let go because anger won't get you anywhere."

"Are you lecturing me?" Regina asked and Snow noticed the faint warning in that question and Snow laughed.

"Just saying," the princess said. She looked at Regina once more, she'd noticed the dark shadows under her eyes, the emptiness inside of them and the hopelessness that surrounded her.

_Maybe she just needs some time,_ Snow thought.

"Save me the hope-speech please," Regina said.

"I wouldn't dream of it," Snow said with a smile. "You can't hide here forever," Snow said a little more serious this time. "Why don't you join us for supper?"

Regina sighed. She didn't know if she was ready for it.

"I don't know... it doesn't feel right," she admitted. "Everyone just looks at me like the Evil Queen, and I don't blame them," she said and the bitterness has returned. "And they're right. I'll never be anything else to them."

"You're not. Not any longer and you know that, you just need to give them a chance to see you," Snow told her. "Any way, we're meeting soon. There are a few things we need to discuss to make sure we're safe here," she said and got up. "It'd be nice if you could join us. We could really use your help."

Regina nodded silently and retreated back to her thoughts that the princess had interrupted earlier. Ever since she'd fled from the kitchen this morning she'd been thinking about it. She told herself that she'd ran from all of them because she hadn't wanted to be seen but the truth was that she'd ran away from him.

The castle was big enough but she couldn't hide forever, Snow was right. Sooner or later he'd find her as he had before, and he'll ask questions that she wasn't ready to answer. She'd been grateful for the bread he'd left her in her room. There hadn't been a note or any evidence that it had been him but she knew – or secretly hoped – that it had been his.

She hadn't eaten much. She'd just sat there nibbling at the bread, lost in thoughts. While she'd been so preoccupied with her own worries she hadn't had much time to think about Robin.

Why had he been so kind? He didn't even know her and she wasn't used to people being kind without wanting something in return. She didn't quite believe that.

_Maybe he's simply being nice because that's who he is; because he's the nicest person you've met in ages_, a voice inside her head told and she shushed it quickly.

After a couple of minutes she groaned in quiet resignation and got up to join their meeting, but not before she'd made sure that she looked at least somewhat acceptable. She faced herself in the mirror, focusing on the task. She wouldn't look into her own eyes. She put some light make up on and got rid of the ponytail before she made her way to the great hall.

With every step she took she tightened the wall around herself a little. Step by step she steeled herself for the encounter. It felt ridiculous, she was the queen and she shouldn't be afraid of anyone. She hesitated a moment before she entered the hall. She took a deep breath and walked in with her head high, her emotions hidden behind a facade that demanded all her strength.

"Regina," Snow said when she approached. She nodded and took the empty seat next to the princess and Granny to her left. She just looked at Regina but kept, whatever she was about to say, to herself.

Regina ignored everyone else and leaned back in the chair, feeling as tense as ever. She wasn't sure if they'd waited for her or simply stopped talking because of her.

"So, now what?" Regina asked impatiently. Sitting there made her feel uncomfortable. She wanted to get away, she needed a distraction from all of this.

"The Wicked Witch is still out there," Charming said. "Seems that we're save for now."

"What makes you think so?" Regina asked. It would be foolish to assume that they were safe anywhere. There was something that witch wanted and she wouldn't rest until she got it. Regina knew that very well.

"Until now no one has tried to attack us or invade the castle," Snow said.

_As far as you know_, Regina thought.

"There haven't been any signs of attacks or danger in the woods when we were hunting," Robin said and for the first time Regina looked up and found him sitting right across from her. Just for an instant she looked at him before her eyes focused on something behind him. She couldn't allow herself to be distracted now. "It all looked very peaceful," he said, never losing Regina out of sight. She could feel his eyes on her, asking for her to look at him once more but she couldn't.

"I'll put a protection spell on the castle like I did the first time but it's been a few years," Regina said, looking at no one in particular. Now she had a task she could get lost in. From that point on she only listened to the conversation half-heartedly.

She heard them saying things like "Protecting the entrances" or "Wicked Witch" every now and then. Regina didn't have the strength to join their conversation, she would do her part and then it was just a matter of time until something would happen. The only time that caught her attention was when she heard the words "Leaving the castle."

_No!,_ she thought and looked up, allowing her eyes to lock with Robins. _Don't leave,_ the voice inside her head whispered. _Don't go._

He could see the helplessness and the slight desperation in her eyes. She wanted him to stay though she'd never admit that openly. He understood and kept that in mind for another time. He'd realized that it wouldn't get him anywhere if he simply asked. She needed time and space and he needed to treat her gently.

"You can't go," Regina said matter-of-factly. "We'll simply make an easy target if we divide into small groups. Stay as long as you like, there's plenty of room in the castle," she said and with that the conversation was over. She got up and left without looking back. She didn't return to her room, her feet carried her to the garden where she sat down in the darkness and enjoyed the silence and the fresh air. Just a few minutes she told herself before it was time to work on that spell.


	6. Chapter 6

Regina sat in the shade of her apple tree, staring into the darkness of the sky. She leaned back and closed her eyes. Slowly, inhaling the crisp air. It filled her lungs and made her feel alive more then she had since she'd returned to the Enchanted Forest.

She remembered the countless times she'd fled to this place to have a few moments to herself. Away from the King and his daughter, left alone with nothing but her thoughts and sorrows. She had picked the apples in silence, watched the blossoms fall with sadness and awake in spring with new beauty and hope. She'd lost track of the many times she'd wished to escape this prison, knowing that the only place she would miss was this quiet spot beneath the branches of the tree.

Regina looked up at the few remaining leaves that had not yet given in to the cold and smiled to herself. She could almost smell the sweetness of the apples in the air.

Almost thirty years had passed since she'd cast the curse, hopeful for her future ahead. Grateful to leave this place. Not for one single moment had she imagined that she'd be back someday. This hadn't been part of the plan. It had been a long time but it felt like just yesterday.

They were back in the same old place, it even looked the same and yet everything was different. Regina quietly laughed to herself, shaking her head.

_Magic always comes with a price_, she thought. She hated this sentence but she knew that it was true. She knew it better than anyone else. Regina pulled up her knees and hugged them tightly, her head resting on them.

_What did I do?_ She asked herself, reflecting on the conversation she had just a couple of minutes earlier. Before she had the chance to get lost in her thoughts she saw someone moving in the shades.

"Milady," he said when she looked up and Regina suddenly felt uneasy. She didn't have a chance to run away from him now. Well, she could but it'd be quite obvious. Nervously, she looked around before she addressed him.

"Thief," she said and she was sure there was a smile on his face.

"Don't go," he said when she was about to get up. "Don't run away from me," he said her quietly.

"I'm not -" she protested but he interrupted her.

"I just came to thank you for letting us stay at your castle," he said and sat down on the other side of the bench. She could see it in his face, there was more.

"Tell me one thing, thief," she said and tried very hard not to look him in the eyes, praying that he wouldn't notice her discomfort. "Did you really plan to leave?"

"Certainly not," he admitted and she felt his eyes on her but she refused to give in. She took a couple of seconds, trying to find the right words. She didn't know whether she was offended or relieved. Either way, she simply couldn't admit the truth.

"What did you hope to achieve?" she asked, a little cooler this time.

"Do you really not know Regina?" he asked. He was trying to approach without scaring her away, giving her a reason to withdraw. He knew that she wasn't afraid of him, God forbid she didn't need to be afraid of anyone but herself.

_He wanted me to say it_; she thought and bit her lip. _He wanted to hear it from me._

Robin realized that this wouldn't get them anywhere. Not tonight; he couldn't get through to her.

"Thank you," he said again and got up. "We'll make sure that all the entrances are safe," with that he left the garden and Regina back in confusion. She laid her face in her hands and sighed in frustration. It was time she started working on that spell. She waited a few more minutes to make sure she wouldn't run into him again and left the garden.

"Little John?" he asked when he reached the front door.

"Over here," he said and turned around.

"How's it going on the other side of the castle?" Robin wanted to know.

"Everything's safe for now," Little John said.

"Good, can you take care of the rest on your own?" Robin asked. There was something he needed to do and he couldn't wait any longer. Since he'd left the garden and Regina behind he'd been thinking about her. She'd been on his mind from the moment he'd first carried her into the castle and no matter how hard he tried, she wouldn't leave his thoughts. He heard and saw her everywhere and he just couldn't let go so easily. He couldn't just leave her behind, knowing that she felt so miserable. She tried her best to push him away and act like everything was alright but he'd seen her crumble. He'd looked behind these protective walls that she'd carefully built around herself. She wasn't feeling well and he wouldn't let her down, if she wanted it or not.

"Are you okay?" Little John asked with a questioning look on his face.

"Yes, of course," Robin said.

"Alright, I'll let you know once everything is prepared for the night," he said and Robin nodded, walking through the front door. Almost an hour had passed since he'd left the garden but it didn't seem like the spell, that Regina wanted to cast, was protecting them yet. Nothing had changed and he wondered if she simply needed some time or if there was some sort of problem. Determined to find her, he headed toward the stairs.

Regina knew exactly what she had to do. She'd cast that spell many times. It required a lot of strength and a few ingredients that she needed. She liked to be prepared once it might be necessary. The first part had been cast easily. She had put an invisible shield around the castle so no one would be able to enter. After that it had taken her a few seconds to gather her thoughts. She had used her strength so deliberately, always making sure that she'd had enough left to keep her emotions in check and bottled up deep inside.

She took a couple of slow deep breaths before her composure was entirely restored. She wanted to do something more. She'd read about this in one of her mother's books many years ago but had never used it. It was a tincture that could be used to mark areas and protect them. This might come in handy and she needed a distraction, something to do. Regina looked around her room and sighed. She still needed a few more things to prepare it and she certainly wouldn't find them in the kitchen. There was only one room in this castle where she would find these things.

For just an instant the thought of going back there sent a shiver down her spine and troubled her a little.

_Ridiculous,_ she thought and left her room.

All she had to do was get her things and leave. She didn't need to stay and while she walked down the corridor, more determined than ever, she wondered if the things she needed where still there. The closer she got, the heavier her steps became and without noticing it at first she slowed down a little more with every step she took. She could see the room, the moonlight that reflected in the splinters that still covered the ground.

She stopped close to the door; her heart was beating at a quicker pace. She looked down at her hands and found them slightly trembling. She closed her eyes, anxious because of the emotions that suddenly flooded her, leaving her unable to stop them. Those previous days she'd fought so hard to ignore what had happened, she'd foolishly thought that she was okay with it. She'd ignored it and now it hit her without the slightest warning. She wanted to enter the abandoned room, but her feet refused to obey her wishes. She remained frozen and it scared her. She stared at the mess she'd left behind, dimly lit by the moonlight. She saw the broken fragments of the mirror that had once belonged to her, the moonlight glistening on it almost beautifully.

Regina closed her eyes, once again trying to control her sudden fear; her breath quickened a little, matching the rhythm of her heart but it wouldn't subside.

At first she heard the glass shatter; she could feel the sting on her hand where the glass had cut it. She clenched her hand into a fist to force the feeling away; she heard her own screams and cries echoing in the empty room, she saw her own self sitting on the ground. She heard her cries; it sounded desperately and heartbreaking until it all faded into quiet sobs.

Regina kept her eyes closed, feeling the tears dwelling behind her eyelids.

_Just go_, she whispered to herself.

Robin didn't know what kind of things she needed to cast that spell but he was sure he'd find her either in her room or one of the others that were close. He'd seen a few rooms with shelves that had a few things on them he didn't dare to touch. Surely something like this was exactly what she might need.

He quietly knocked on her door first but there was no answer. He waited a couple of seconds before he tried again until he opened the door and found the room unoccupied.

He walked down the corridor that was right to her room. He walked past bedrooms and a room that looked like a small library. He hadn't been to this part of the castle much because it looked like some part that held the queens private rooms and it didn't feel right. He reached a part of the castle that seemed familiar to him, he'd been here before but the last time he'd entered it from the other side.

Robin walked around the corner and stopped when he saw her standing at the other end of it. She wasn't standing too far from the room where he'd found her a couple of days ago. He remained quiet because he didn't want to startle her. After a couple of seconds she still didn't move and he wondered why. She hadn't noticed him yet and he quietly approached. From his angle he could see how tense she was, her hands were shivering and she was staring into the empty room in front of her.

She was afraid.

_She can't go in_, he thought and stepped a little closer.

"You don't have to do it," Robin said quietly and she turned around. For a second she looked terrified but she didn't say anything. "Whatever it is, you don't have to do it," Robin said and stood in front of her, blocking her view into the room. It wasn't just that she had refused to talk to him about what had happened when he'd found her, she had also decided to deal with it all by herself.

"I... I was just," she said and tried to gather her thoughts. Slowly, the tension in her body seemed to ease off. "I just... wanted to... I needed something," she said and voice sounded shaky.

"Do you want me to get it for you?" he offered but suddenly she wasn't sure what she'd wanted from that place after all.

"No," she said and shook her head.

It appeared that she'd just now noticed his presence and she wanted to try to push him away but her defenses didn't come up so fast.

"It's okay," she said quietly. "Doesn't matter," she said and wanted to turn around but Robin took her hand. Surprised by the sudden movement she looked at him with a mixture of shock and surprise but he held on to her.

"It is okay to be afraid," he said. "But you're not okay," he said softly and she looked into his blue eyes. Something told her that he was being honest, he really cared.

"Who cares," she said more to herself. He knew that a part of her wanted to run.

"I do," he told her, his voice was serious. "It matters to me," he finished his sentence and Regina looked at him, she seemed confused because she couldn't believe it. She'd always found it hard to believe that people could like her or actually care about her.

He could see the unspoken question in her eyes.

_Why?_

"From the first time I saw you, I couldn't stop thinking about you," he said. "I was dying to find out who you were and what happened to you," he said, trying to find the right words.

He didn't want to scare away and there was a tiny spark of hope inside of him. They both know that if she'd really wanted to leave, she'd be gone by now.

"When I first saw you it felt like I'd seen you before," he said and the expression on her face changed a little because she'd felt the same. "It felt so familiar but I was certain I hadn't met you before," he told her, still holding her hand; afraid that she might change her mind and run away from him. "I tried to forget about it but it didn't work, I knew I had to get to know you."

"Why?" she asked. "To run away when you've found out who I truly am?" she asked, her voice was still a little shaky.

"Give me a chance, Regina," he nearly begged her.

"I can't," she whispered and looked at the ground so he wouldn't see the tears in her eyes. Suddenly the fear was back and it overpowered her wish to escape her loneliness. She took a step back, her arm stretched out so he only held on to her fingertips.

"Regina," he said more determined this time and before either one of them changed his mind he took another step toward her and held on to her hand.

"I'm a thief," he said quietly, just a few inches away from her. "I've never stayed away from trouble. I'm sorry for anything that has happened to you in your past. I can only imagine how difficult it must be, how unfair it must have been," he said and finally she looked up, into his eyes. She seemed overwhelmed by her own emotions, unable to do anything about it. "But please don't let that stand in the way of your happiness, whoever it may be with," he spoke slowly but she didn't interrupt him. "Push me away all you want but I can't ignore you. Not anymore. I know you're afraid and furious and you have every right to be but I promise, I will not give up," he said and softly tightened the grip around her hand. "I know there's something inside of you that doesn't want to run away from me, because you're still here and I'm not keeping you. You would've been gone already if you wanted to," he said and she looked like she realized the truth in his words, considering her options.

She watched silently when he raised his hand, keeping hers in his own firmly.

"You can push me away again and again but I will not rest until I touched you right here," he said quietly and placed her hand on her heart, his own resting on top of hers. She felt her own heartbeat against her palm, and the warmth of his hand on hers. "And if you still don't want me then," he whispered and leaned forward a little, their lips only inches away from each other. Regina felt his hot breath on her lips and it sent a shiver down her spine. "And if you still don't want me then, I promise to leave you alone," he said and let go of her hand. "Good night," he whispered and then he was gone.


	7. Chapter 7

_Her hand slightly shivered when she reached out to open the door. She was afraid but there was the tiniest bit of hope inside of her. A faint, uncertain smile crossed her lips. She was nervous and excited at the same time. She hadn't spent much time out of the castle. Each time she'd been accompanied by the King or several guards surrounding her. She'd never had much time to herself, the King's eyes followed her everywhere._

"_This is your chance," she told herself. She didn't know for how much longer he'd be travelling. This might be the only chance she'll ever get. It felt wonderful to be on her own, to walk these streets without being feared or treated like the Queen that she was. It was liberating and she enjoyed it more then she'd ever imagined._

"_What if..." that small voice inside her heart whispered._

_But how was it supposed to work out?_

_She knew that her soul mate was sitting behind that door; Tinker Bell had told her so. What if she walked in there? She couldn't imagine how things would turn out. She knew that once she did she could never go back. She'll have to run away; there was no way she'd be able to stay in this kingdom. She couldn't expect him to do that for her, to sacrifice whatever he had so he could be with her._

"_This is not how it works," she thought and bit her lip._

"_But what if..." that voice repeated._

_Would it really be that easy? Would she simply fall in love with a stranger? Not because she felt that way – she'd never seen him before and didn't even know his name – but because she desperately wanted to?_

_Regina waited, fighting her inner battle. How many nights had she spent awake, wishing for someone to free her from her prison. She'd longed for someone to hold her and make her feel loved although a part of her wasn't sure if she'd ever be able to let anyone in; let her guard down and open up to another human being. She didn't know that she ever would and she'd never know if she ran away. Taking one last deep breath she decided to ignore her doubts and let fate decide._

_Without wasting another second, she opened the door and took a step inside the busy tavern. She was full of hope, her heart hammering inside her chest. Her hands trembled just a little and when she stared into his eyes her heart shattered into a thousand pieces._

"_No," she whispered and shook her head._

_It felt like someone just slapped her; she couldn't breathe, tears dwelled in her eyes._

"_No!" she whispered again._

_She wanted to run away but she was frozen with anger and disappointment that slowly turned into panic._

"_Did you really think you could get away from me that easily?" he said and laughed into her face. She stared at the King who was waiting for her at the end of the tavern._

"_Where did he go?" Regina thought and her eyes slowly wandered, refusing to believe what had just happened._

"_There's no one waiting for you, my dear," the King said with obvious amusement and started to laugh; suddenly everyone was laughing at her._

"_You're my Queen and you'll never be anything else."_

"_I'll be trapped for eternity," Regina thought and panicked. She felt the hot tears streaming down her face while everyone's laughter increased around her._

_She turned around and fled the tavern, not knowing what to do. It now dawned on her that she had nowhere else to go. All the hope that had filled her had vanished within a second; she felt numb and empty. Disappointed and defeated. She didn't even want to imagine what awaited her when she returned to the castle. She should've known._

_She ran away into the darkness. She ran until her feet wouldn't carry her any longer, through the forest along a deserted path further into the darkness until it cleared just a little. When she dropped to her knees, trying to catch her breath, she listened. It didn't sound like someone followed her._

"_For now," a voice inside her head warned her._

_In the shelter of the night, Regina sat in the shadow of a weeping willow, staring at the lake in front of her. Its darkness appeared endless; it surrounded her more than ever. She didn't know what to do; she leaned back against the tree and waited. She had no strength left, not after the disappointment that had shattered her completely. She couldn't move, her lungs hurt and the emptiness inside of her was so consuming that she became anxious. Her breath quickened, her heart hammered furiously inside her chest, her hands trembled with fear. She knew she couldn't go back; it would kill her to be entrapped for the rest of her life._

_'_YouaremyQueen_,' she heard the King's voice saying. "_You'llneverbeanythingelse_."_

_Suddenly these words sounded awfully true to her. She didn't have anywhere to go. She'd always be the Queen. A Queen graciously fallen, resented by her own kingdom for betraying the King and his daughter. She had no friends and no family left. She had nothing but the castle to give her shelter. Fresh tears fell on her face when she thought about going back; she didn't want to know what awaited her. The King was never loving towards her. He'd never loved her, only when he felt like it and it satisfied his desires. A shiver ran through her body by the mere thought of it._

"_Why didn't that stupid fairy let me jump," she asked and closed her eyes. She was so angry at Tink for torturing her. She shouldn't have saved her, let alone tell her lies of someone who wasn't even there. She had nothing to live for and she didn't want to. She tried to forget, to shut out the world but the disappointment and the humiliation returned, seeping viciously through her body._

_A foolish part of her believed that she had seen him there. Just for a single moment, she had seen the man with the lion tattoo but then he was gone._

"_Where are you?" she whispered to herself and closed her eyes, allowing the tears to fall. She sobbed quietly until she couldn't stop it any longer. She sat there all by herself, crying until it all went black._

She knew it before she opened her eyes. She felt it; it hurt her physically. Regina was upset at first but as soon as she remembered it little by little, the anger was replaced with emptiness and sadness. She knew that she'd been crying. She felt the tears on her cheeks and wanted to scream with frustration but her voice was gone. She waited, utterly defeated, knowing that she'd done most of this to herself. There wasn't anyone else to blame and she was the only one who could change that.

The memory of the King, laughing at her made her feel ashamed, although it had never really happened but she knew there was a certain truth behind these torturing images. She was disgusted; she'd hated him for all he had done, for all the things he'd taken away from her. All those years that she'd spent within these walls that kept her from a life she'd always wanted.

Suddenly she started crying again, without the slightest chance of controlling it. She got out of bed and quietly made her way through the silent castle. She had to get away from here, from all of this. By the time she reached the great hall, she was out of breath and completely lost track. She stood in the centre of the hall, wondering what the hell she was doing here. She felt lost and out of place, just she always had since she'd moved to this castle.

She had dreaded all of it and yet there hadn't been a way out. She remembered all those nights that she'd prayed for someone to save her, someone who loved her and made her feel loved. She'd lost track until she'd given up.

"But pixie dust doesn't lie..." she heard that voice inside her head saying and she needed a moment to remind herself that all of this had never happened.

The man she'd seen with Tinker Bell existed, he was out there somewhere.  
All these years had passed and every now and then, in the hours of sheer loneliness, she had allowed herself to remember and wonder how her life would've turned out, until it seemed stupid. She hoped that he had found someone who would make him happy, hoped that he wouldn't wander lost like she did. She hadn't only lost her chance at true love she'd also lost herself along the way.

Regina walked toward the window, the moonlight glistened on her tear stained face.

"Where are you," she whispered to herself with tears in her eyes, regarding her reflection. She looked right through herself and suddenly she saw a much younger person. The only difference she saw was her hair that fell way past her shoulders, but despite that she had the same desperate look on her face. Regina saw the fear in her own eyes. The silent plea for redemption, the secret wish to escape it all and suddenly she felt very sorry.

With tears in her eyes, she stared at her younger reflection.

_A_ _child_, she thought. She had been nothing more than a helpless child back then. Regina took one step from the window, resisting the urge to smash it just to get these images out her mind but she knew they'd be lingering there for the rest of her life.

"Where are you?" she whispered into the silence and suddenly it hit her.

"It can't be," she told herself with a mixture of excitement and fear.

She laid her face in her hands and tried to breathe calmly. She opened the window just a little to let the crisp air in. It felt good to be able to breathe but the tears wouldn't stop and she didn't care.

"Where are you?" she whispered again when she heard someone at the other end of the hall. She slowly turned around and saw him standing there.

_And if you still don't want me then I promise to leave you alone,_ she heard his voice saying and suddenly she knew she didn't want him to leave her alone.

She didn't care how messed up she looked like, didn't care that she was still crying all she wanted was to tell him not to leave. Regina slowly approached the man she'd just met a couple of days ago. It had taken her years to let anyone in, to put trust in people she'd known for such a long time and there she was, willing to show her weakest side to someone she didn't know but it all felt so right. She tried to find the right words but all she could do, as she watched him approach, was look at him with all her feelings and fears on display. He had seen her cry and struggle and yet here he was. He didn't turn his back on her. It didn't push him away but seemed to bring him closer every time she felt a little more miserable. She took a few small steps toward him, wanting to show him that she wouldn't run away again and before she had enough strength to speak, he simply held out his hand.

***  
He had left before she had a chance to react. He wasn't quite sure if it had been the right thing to do. He didn't want to push her too fast, but leaving her like that probably hadn't been the most ideal solution either.

Slowly he paced his room, trying to decide what to do. He didn't want to go back, didn't want her to feel caged. It was bad enough as it was. He'd heard a couple of more stories during these last few days, things he didn't dare to ask Regina about.

Some stories better remain untold, a voice inside warned him but how could he ignore all this after what he'd seen? He wasn't sure if he'd like to know the truth but he couldn't turn his back on her and pretend none of this happened? He didn't know a thing about that woman and yet it felt like he'd seen her through tear stained eyes and sleepless nights. He'd seen her fear, anger, grief and the never-ending struggle and no one seemed willing to help. He'd heard them talk at dinner, knowing that something was wrong, but no one knew what to do. In the end everyone had decided to simply leave her be because Regina was a strong woman who'd deal with it herself.

Robin wanted to tell them how wrong they were and that such a thing was stupid to believe after all Regina had gone through. And all she had done for them. He didn't know if anyone would even be willing to help her but it didn't seem fair. He decided it was best to not mention it because they didn't seem to know how bad it was and he had a sudden urge to protect her. It was late and most people had gone to bed but he felt too restless to get to sleep. He sat on the edge of his bed, laid his face in his hands, trying to think. To reason with himself and try to figure it all out but he couldn't.

A long time ago he hadn't been the most honest person himself. He almost laughed at that thought because he hadn't been truly honest for a long time because there was nothing quite honest about a thief, no matter what his reasons were. But before that, he had done things he wasn't proud of. He wished that he hadn't done all of this but he couldn't change what had been done. The only thing he could do was change his future. Be truthful, honourable and honest. He hadn't done it on his own; he always had people who believed in him. The Merry Men had been by his side from the very beginning and he was extremely grateful for that. Maybe Regina simply needed someone who believed in her and saved her from her own darkness when she couldn't do that herself any longer.

He wanted to help her, not only because his conscience told him that it'd be the right thing to do but because his heart was in it, there was no way to deny that any longer.

After Marian had died it had taking him such a long time to recover, to let anyone in and believe in love again and it had always felt wrong somehow.

And suddenly there was Regina and it had taken only a couple of days and he couldn't get that woman out of his mind. He thought of the moment he'd held her in his arms, shivering and crying. How she held out her hand and allowed him to take it when he'd cleaned the cut. He knew it hadn't been easy for her and still she'd trusted him somehow.

He knew that he had touched her, somewhere deep inside. Hidden behind the walls she had built around herself. He'd felt her heart beating just a little faster when he took her hand in his, she'd held her breath for a moment when he'd placed their hands on her heart. He felt her warm breath on his face; her lips trembled just a little when she thought he'd kiss her.

He laid on the bed, stared into the darkness but sleep wouldn't come. He was too busy trying to figure out what to do when the silence of the night was disturbed. It wasn't loud but he had good ears. Through the years he'd learned to pay attention to the vaguest of sounds; it had saved him numerous times. He heard footsteps, growing a little louder as they approached his room and disappeared again when they passed his room. He knew that Regina's room and was at the other end of the corridor and she was one of the few who knew the castle well enough to wander through it in the dark. As quietly as possible he opened the door but whoever it was, was gone already. When idle curiosity took over he left his room behind and quietly descended the stairs to the great hall. He waited in the shadows. Quietly, he waited until he saw her in the centre of the dimly lit hall. Regina had her eyes closed, her head leaned back. Her face was stained with tears and she seemed exhausted. He didn't want to frighten her, so he waited.

Slowly, she walked to the windows. He watched her, staring out of it for several seconds. She didn't talk but there seemed to be something that touched her. Without thinking about it twice, he walked into the hall as quietly as possible. Regina was quietly sobbing to herself when she turned around. He didn't back down and, much to his surprise, neither did she.

He regarded her quietly for a few seconds before his feet moved. She stood in the centre of the hall, lit but the moonlight with no strength left to conceal her feelings. Through all the tears, he saw the beautiful woman that had touched his heart so deeply and he knew it then. With every step he took toward her, he fell in love a little more.

Their eyes met and Regina moved forward. She looked like she wanted to say something but came up empty-handed. He understood; saw it in her eyes. She was asking him to stay, telling him she wouldn't run.

_Sometimes words are not enough, _he thought. He didn't want to talk. This wasn't the time and they were both really tired so he held out his hand to her and watched her as she took it.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

She trembled a little and held her breath when she placed her hand in his. She knew that, once she made that step, there was no going back. Within these few seconds that it took her to reach out, she had a million things on in her mind. She couldn't know where all this would lead them. It felt so new to her, to have someone whose presence made her feel so different. Someone she couldn't get out of her head; she couldn't shake off the feeling that it was a dream and he'd turn his back on her after a while. What if he couldn't deal with her past? None of them could know that at this moment, she wasn't even quite sure that she could deal with it all by herself.

He took her hand carefully in his and held it softly, just like he had when he'd helped her with the cut in her hand. She had trusted him once, if only for a couple of minutes. Regina waited, not quite sure what to do. Robin carefully closed the distance between them and waited. He didn't want to push her; he knew that he needed to be gentle.

Regina looked into his eyes and tried not to avoid him. She still found it difficult to speak; she was so emotionally exhausted that she had no chance but to give in. Slowly, she let him pull her a little closer. The warmth of his body was soothing and still she felt very tense. Regina took a few deep, slow breaths and leaned against his chest. She felt his heart beating against her body, his chest moved slowly with every breath he took and with each passing second she relaxed a little more. Regina closed her eyes and got lost in the moment. Suddenly, it felt so right and so soothing. She didn't know what she'd expected, why she had always fought to keep everyone away. She'd hated embracing people because it invaded her personal space, the one that she kept hidden from so many people. She'd always feared that they would see how miserable she was, all the while praying that someone would take notice. She wasn't in any position to scream for help. People would simply laugh in her face. Quietly, she'd been wishing for someone who looked beyond all that and here she was. She couldn't promise that she'd always allow him to be this close, couldn't promise that she wouldn't push him away from time to time but she promised herself that she'd try.

She was so touched by his gesture that she felt completely overwhelmed. She couldn't even cry any more. When she leaned into him entirely, he wrapped his arms around her and held her close; aware of how fragile and precious that moment was. Her head rested on his shoulder and slowly, her ragging heart slowed down. The memories of her earlier nightmare returned. She felt drained and tired, empty and lonely. The mere thought of it now seemed unbearable but she reminded herself that, for now, she wasn't alone.

The man of her memories, the man with the lion tattoo, was still nothing but a stranger that she happened to come across to so many years ago.

Maybe it's time to let go, she thought.

Deep inside she knew that it wouldn't be so easy but maybe one day, it would be.

It hadn't been real, but the King's laughter echoed in her mind. She knew that one too well and it would haunt her for a while now. She still felt ashamed and suddenly her mind wandered back to a place where she never wanted to return to. A place she didn't want to be. A castle she didn't feel loved in and where everything made her feel like she wasn't good enough. For many years she'd had endured this until she'd believed that herself. She had always tried to prove herself that she could do better, until she'd lost track of what she'd wanted or what she'd tried to achieve because, in the end, nothing would change.

She got lost in that ancient pain, allowed these demons to take over again but when she felt his strong arms holding her she forced herself back. His scent was soothing and the steady rhythm of his breathing made her feel sleepy. She hadn't had a good night's sleep in many nights and it was finally catching up on her. She didn't know how long they'd stood there when she leaned against his chest with her eyes closed; her breath had become calm and even.

"I think you need to get some sleep," he whispered softly and she didn't even protest when he held on to her hand as they walked out of the hall.

No one said a word and Regina allowed him to lead the way as she held on to him. She kept her eyes straight-ahead, following absent-mindedly. Maybe he'd been right; the lack of sleep weighed her down.

In the corner of her eye she saw him looking at her, as if making sure that she was still beside him. The walk back to their rooms was quiet but the closer they got to her room, the more she dreaded it. She knew that she couldn't go back, not tonight. The aftermath of her nightmares still lingered inside of her, chilling her to the bone. Regina suddenly stood still; she needed to find another room for tonight. There were plenty of vacant rooms, surely one of them would do. Robin looked at her and waited, trying to figure out what was going on inside her head; what he knew was that he wouldn't let go.

"I'll find another room," she said quietly, her voice heavy with sleep.

She hated to part ways now, she didn't want him to leave. She didn't know whether she'd have enough strength to let him past her walls come morning and she couldn't rely on him to come back after every time she pushed him away.

"Come on," he said and walked toward his room. He opened the door and waited for her to enter. She'd been here before but she didn't quite remember anything, her memories had been clouded with pain and tears. The room was tidy and somehow comfortable. There was a fire crackling in the fireplace, bathing the room in soft colours. It wasn't big but it seemed more comfortable than anything she'd seen in the castle for a while. She looked around the room until she found his face. She didn't know where this would lead and what she wanted and he seemed to have noticed her slight confusion.

"Don't worry about me," he said softly. "You need some sleep, I'll find another place," he said calmly and Regina simply nodded.

_Did she really want him to leave now?_

When Regina sat down on the edge of the bed, she felt the exhaustion washing over her body. She felt numb and hollow, wondering if she'd ever find a way to ease that feeling. Robin walked around the bed and crouched down in front of her.

"Is there anything you need?" he asked and Regina shrugged. She really didn't know what she wanted any longer.

She looked up and found his ice-blue eyes. They were warm and soft, filled with concern and worry. He didn't even try to hide it from her. She looked into these eyes and allowed herself to get lost. Suddenly she was, once again, aware of their closeness and how soothing it was. There was a sudden urge to feel loved. She was afraid that he'd be gone soon.

He reached out to Regina, gently tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. His hand lingering for just an instant and she put hers on top of his, leaning into his touch; she closed her eyes. She wanted to kiss him, feel him. She must've failed to hide her need.

"Regina," he whispered. He wanted to kiss her more than anything, wanted to hold her and make her feel loved but tonight wasn't the right time.

"Not tonight, love," he said.

Her eyes glistened with unshed tears when he held her face in both hands and kissed her softly on the forehead. She understood and she knew she should be grateful because he put his own desires far away for her sake. She lay down on the bed and as soon as she let herself fall into the soft fabric, she drifted off to sleep. She didn't even have time to ask him to stay.

***

It was early in the morning, when he made his way back to his room. The Merry Men had decided to go on a hunt a little earlier because there was a storm coming in. The air was unusually warm this morning and there was a dark storm front coming in from the west. When he got dressed, he thought about last night. He knew he wanted to get to know Regina, wanted to know what troubled her so mercilessly. He needed to know her, his wish to be closer increased every single day. He'd thought about kissing her, it took all his strength not to do so. He knew that it wasn't the right time. He didn't want her to regret anything when she didn't even know what she actually wanted and needed.

Robin knew that she had a lot of baggage; there were dark things from her past that he didn't know about. She kept it locked up deep inside; he'd wanted to stay by her side but in the end he left her to sleep on her own. He needed some distance, time to think. He'd stayed awake for a while, wondering if he had enough strength to deal with it.

There were moments when he had doubts.

Would he really be strong enough to help her through this? Did he really want this? What would happen if it didn't work out?

He knew that it was actually too late to go back because it'd leave two broken hearts behind. In the end, he knew that he had to try, because something about all of this felt so right. There was this quiet voice inside his head that told him that he needed to have faith.

He paused for a moment before he opened the door to his room and for a second he wondered if Regina would still be there, a part of him had expected her to be gone already. He stepped inside without making a sound, that's what had made him a quick thief and great hunter. She was still sleeping soundly, resting in the same spot she'd laid down hours ago. From afar she looked almost peaceful.

For the first time since they'd met, he had time to regard her undisturbed. The first hints of daylight fell through the window, enlightening her face softly. This was his chance to see the real Regina.

There was no make-up, no fancy dresses and hairstyles. There was no hiding behind a mask in deep sleep.

She looked so peaceful but he knew that she was fighting. Even in her sleep, she appeared a little tense. As much as he'd loved to sit by her side and watch her, he knew that his Merry Men were waiting for him.

***

Regina slowly woke from her sleep but for once it wasn't a nightmare that roused her from slumber. She kept her eyes closed and listened to the sound of rain that fell softly. It was a soothing sound and the smell of fresh rain reached her nose. It suddenly reminded her of happier days, so many years ago. She shifted a little and the smell of rain mixed with something else.

_Robin, _she thought.

She turned around only to find the room quiet and empty. It seemed really early and she had no intention to leave this room. She turned on her side, facing the window. She knew it must be shortly after dawn but dark clouds covered the sky. Regina got up from the bed to open the window; the sound of the rain grew a little louder, falling in a steady rhythm. The cool air touched her skin, making her shiver but it felt wonderful to be able to breathe. She returned to the bed, still feeling somewhat drained. She must've slept for a couple of hours. She didn't recall any nightmares and still she didn't feel rested. She would stay here, maybe sleep a little longer. There wasn't much to do any way.

Her head hurt, her body felt heavy and the idea of sleeping seemed utterly appealing but after a couple of minutes she drifted off to long-gone memories, unable to go back to sleep. She couldn't let go of all these negative thoughts, no matter how hard she tried.

_The sun was about to set, her room was lit in various shades of orange and her pure white dress glistened magically in the light of the setting sun. It took a while until she'd understood the irony of all of this.  
The past few days had passed in a haze of wedding preparations, parties and pretended happiness. At some point Regina had become so detached that she wasn't even sure what day it was. It wasn't until her wedding dress had been brought to her room that she'd realized that her time was up. She had missed her chance, there was no more running.  
She'd stared at the dress, trying to prolong what had to be done. She wasn't in any position to make a decision. Her mother's grip on her tightened with the slightest hint of resistance and the weight of the whole kingdom suddenly lasted on her shoulders.  
She closed her eyes, the last rays of sunshine caressing her face. She gripped the railing with both hands, trying desperately to hold on to something. She watched the sun going down slowly with all the hope she'd had._

_They hadn't even given her time to mourn the loss of the man she truly loved. She couldn't talk to anyone, because no one could ever know. Her mother didn't give a damn; Regina was just a piece in that ruthless game she was playing for her own good._

_She had crushed the man's heart right before her eyes and she couldn't even say goodbye._

_Suddenly, Regina panicked._

_She became short of breath, everything started spinning around her. Regina held on to the railing while she bent her knees, sobbing and screaming with fear and frustration. She felt hopeless and scared. There was no one to calm her; the only person she needed was gone and she was forced to mourn his loss quietly, dressed in a wedding gown that should've been for him._

_She had loved him so much and yet she hadn't even had the chance to love him fully, with every part of her body, with every inch of her soul. She had promised herself to him willingly, out of pure love and now it had all vanished. She stared down at herself, the wedding dress torturing her beyond imagination._

_This was her wedding day. The day where she was supposed to be happy and glowing with joy, but instead she cried out of hopelessness and pure anxiety. As much as she wanted this day to be over, she dreaded the end of the day with all her heart. The thought of her 'wedding night' made her shiver with disgust. She didn't even want to imagine what awaited her at the end of the night._

_It took her minutes until she was able to control her tears and slowly the fear gave in to sheer resignation. She watched the last rays of sunshine disappear with all her hope and left._

_***_

Regina didn't move; she stared out of the window, unable to push these memories away. She still remembered that day like it happened yesterday. It had settled in her conscience and had ruined her. She wasn't innocent in her past, but until that day she certainly had been.

She had been nothing more than an innocent child, full of hope and love. It now dawned on her how much harm this one day had done to her.

_A child,_ she thought and a tiny part allowed her to remember her own son whom she had lost not so long ago. She had been so self-absorbed that she couldn't even mourn his loss but when she felt all the pain, she refused to allow herself to go there and leave it buried for now.

Regina was so wrapped in her thoughts that she didn't even notice that Robin had returned. She couldn't move, even if she'd wanted to, couldn't close her eyes so she simply stared out of the window. Robin walked around the bed to see how she was doing. For one moment he'd assumed she was still asleep. He crouched down once again and looked at her. She didn't speak but there was a slight change in her expression when she saw him. It'd been a moment of acknowledgement before she was gone again. He saw it in her face; the light had vanished from her eyes. She was staring into nothingness, lost and retreated to some dark and painful place and he knew there was nothing he could do to get her back now but he wouldn't leave.

Without another word, he laid down beside her. Carefully he laid an arm around her waist. Only when he felt her fingers tighten around his, did he pull her a little closer.

It seemed like an eternity that they spent lying in each other's arms, drifting in and out of sleep, listening to the endless sound of the rain that wouldn't stop. It must have been early in the afternoon when the weather suddenly cleared a little.

"Where are you, Regina?" he whispered into her ear and she tightened the grip around his hand just a little in response. 


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: I just want to thank all my lovely readers for reading my story. It's always nice to know when people appreciate what you're doing and I love sharing this with you.**

* * *

_Where are you, Regina? _She heard his voice from afar, it sounded distant and quiet. Gentle even.

_I'm_ _right_ _here_, she thought.

She wanted to tell him that she was here but her voice remained silent. Her head still hurt, even after plenty of hours of rest and more sleep then she'd had in the past few days. She was caught somewhere between her memories and the present, slowly freeing herself from these ancient clutches that kept her imprisoned.

_I'm_ _right_ _here_, she thought again; her senses slowly came to life.

The first thing she noticed was the sweet and refreshing smell of the rain. It had almost stopped falling; she heard the last drops of rain splatter. She felt the cool air on her face, his hand on hers. Suddenly she became aware of how close he was; she was resting in his arms. The warmth of his body felt wonderful and much to her surprise she didn't feel like running away.

_Just_ _for_ _now_, she told herself.

Enjoying it while she could. That's what she'd promised herself. Until the fear overpowered her once more and she couldn't help but keep him at a safe distance. His hand felt warm and soft against her touch and she closed hers around his fingers. She didn't know if he was awake, she felt a little nervous and waited. After a couple of minutes in which she tried not to move and put a little distance between them, she heard him laugh softly.

"I'll let you go if you ask nicely," he said and Regina bit her lip, the hint of a smile on her lips. It'd been the first time since they came here that she smiled. It came from within, unexpectedly.

_What's going on?_ She wondered.

Only a couple of hours ago, she'd been to weak to move. She hadn't been able to think or cry. She had wanted to sleep forever but it slowly dissipated. She felt a little lighter and her memories retreated into the background. She didn't know what was happening, she didn't really understand.

Carefully, Regina turned around in his arms and laid on her back. He didn't even move an inch when she did so. He watched her, his head propped up on his hand.

"Hi," she said sleepily because she couldn't come up with something better. "Did I sleep through the whole day?" she asked and sat up a little. He still didn't move.

"Through most of it," he told her calmly. Now that she was awake and talking to him she seemed so different, it appeared so easy. He enjoyed it while it lasted, something told him that it wouldn't be for very long. This woman next to him was so different from the one he'd held in his arms last night. He was relieved that, whatever had troubled her, was gone for now; the truth was that he was starting to worry about her. The pain and the lack of sleep, the fact that she'd refused to eat, slowly started showing. She was much thinner then she'd been when they first met.

He had had enough trouble in his past. He'd had his fair share of troublesome experiences and memories. A part of him knew too well how she must be feeling right now. He'd been through terrible things; he'd suffered and lost track. Not in the way she did, he'd had other ways of trying to cope but he knew that she would never go through this on her own. He couldn't have done it alone.

"You're not in a secret competition with Sleeping Beauty?" he asked which made her chuckle.

"Aurora didn't have a chance," Regina said and still tried not to look at Robin for too long.

"What was the deal with her anyway?" he asked. It wasn't as playful as the previous question, he really had no idea.

"Don't ask..." Regina said humourlessly. In retrospect she hadn't been quite as innocent in this as she'd always thought. Robin just laughed it off.

"How do you feel?" he suddenly asked more serious. There it was again, the slight hint of worry in his voice. Regina took a few deep breaths before she answered, it was harder than she'd imagined because she really didn't know.

"I wish I knew," she admitted a little quieter. "It seems to change on a daily basis and I don't know what to do," she said and sounded a little frustrated.

"I've noticed," he said, never taking his eyes off her. She just regarded him from the corner of her eye and let that pass quietly.

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say I'm pregnant," she said more to herself. She knew very well where the origins of her troubles lay but that wasn't any of his business. For now. He didn't say anything but simply watched her when she turned on her side and sat on the edge of the bed.

"You okay?" he asked and sat up. She gripped the edge of the bed with both hands, her head bowed down with her eyes closed.

"Mhm," was all she said through gritted teeth. He was by his side before she knew it.

"Careful," he said calmly and put his hand beneath her chin, lifting her head slowly. "Open your eyes," he told her.

"I feel so dizzy," she said and but did as she was told.

"It'll pass when you keep your eyes open," he said. "And have some water and food," he added. She noticed how light-headed and jittery she felt; he might be right.

"You feel good to walk?" he wanted to know and slowly helped her to her feet. She had no doubt he'd catch her if she fell.

"I'm good," she reassured him but he refused to leave her side. She hugged herself to fight off the chill that settled on her when she left the warm bed. Every inch of her body felt stiff and still somewhat tensed. Suddenly she thought about a warm shower that would help ease that feeling and wash away the memories for a while at least but it'll have to wait.

"Where is everyone?" Regina asked when she noticed how quiet the castle appeared. She followed Robin to the kitchen. "I'm not sure I'm in the mood to run into anyone right now."

"Don't worry," he said and held open the door for her. "They're gone," Robin walked straight to the fireplace to make some tea. "They'll be back for dinner," he said when she looked somewhat confused. "Some of my Men have gone hunting, Granny is out collecting herbs and plants and I think she made the others tag along."

"I bet she did," Regina said and watched Robin. She wanted to enjoy this, she wanted to feel better but she still felt that there was something inside of her that refused to feel that way; to enjoy the moment entirely. There was always the fear that it wouldn't last; that he was just playing her because he was bored. A part of her expected him to walk out on her after a while, when she revealed too much about herself.

She tried so hard but these feelings wouldn't leave her alone and it bothered her a lot. She resisted the urge to go back to her room and get angry and slowly walked to the fireplace. There was bread and a few vegetables and fruits and something that looked like porridge. She wasn't sure if she wanted to eat this. All of it didn't seem very appealing to her but she probably wasn't in any position to be picky.

"It's not that bad," he said as if he could read her face.

"I don't feel hungry," she said, knowing that she actually should be. She didn't remember when she ate for the last time and she knew she should be hungry but it all just didn't feel like the right thing.

"You'll have to try at least," he told her and she sat down at the small table, watching him. For just a second he wanted to tell her that it was impossible that she didn't feel hungry but he knew better. He remembered that he never did and he probably would've starved to death if Little John hadn't forced him to eat, so many years ago.

He was aware that she was watching him quietly. He'd love to know what she was thinking. She sat there in silence like all of these terrible things had never happened. Last night she'd been shattered completely, haunted by demons he couldn't see. He wanted to ask her so many things but he knew that just the tiniest bit could change everything. All it took to break her and take her back to a place where he couldn't reach her was a single word, a faint memory. A simple gesture or a certain smell that triggered the most painful memories and the light would vanish from her eyes.

That's why he had ran away, so long ago. He needed a change, a different place. Regina didn't have that choice, they were stuck in this castle for now; surrounded by hundreds of memories.

Regina nodded and took the plate she was offered. The first time she'd seen Robin had felt awfully familiar but she was certain they hadn't met before. Now that she was watching him quietly, that feeling returned. He had his back turned to her as he poured them each a cup of tea and she knew she had seen a familiar image before. It was right in front of her eyes and still out of reach, no matter how hard she tried she couldn't tell why.

She got lost in that thought, she still stared at him when he turned around. He raised an eyebrow at her with the faintest smile on his lips. Regina bit her lip and busied herself with the food in front of her. She simply moved the it around with her fork, lazily playing. She still didn't feel up to it.

"Tell me," Regina said and looked at Robin, who now sat in front of her. "How did you end up in the Enchanted Forest? Where are you from?" she wanted to know. She sounded calm but still hadn't touched her food.

Robin regarded the woman in front of him for a couple of seconds. Even without make up and fancy clothes she looked like the most beautiful person he'd ever met. He'd seen her smile earlier, for the very first time since they'd met. It was brief and unexpected. It came from somewhere deep within and she didn't have a chance to hide it. It was then that he fell in love with her even stronger.

"Sherwood Forest," he said.

"That's a mighty long way," Regina responded softly. His answer seemed short and that somehow kept her from asking why he had left his forest that was days away. She'd heard of that place but she had never set foot in it. She was pretty sure that they hadn't welcome her warmly back then.

"True," he said and his ice blue eyes never lost her out of sight. "But worth it," he said softly. Regina felt herself blush just a little, grateful that it was partially dark already. It felt somewhat ridiculous and she ignored it.

"Why here?" she wanted to know.

"To be honest?" he said and leaned back a little. "This was the first empty place we found and in the end it seemed better then the forest. I know what to look out for in Sherwood Forest, but here?" he shook his head. She'd wanted to know why he chose to come to the Enchanted Forest, because there must've been a reason but he didn't offer more and she accepted that.

"I'm still not quite sure what kind of creatures live in these woods," he told her. He just didn't have the heart to tell her the real reason he chose to go so far away from home. For now, this was about her.

_The worst was gone,_ she thought. For a long time no one even got close because she was the only creature they feared.

"Right," she said and he waited. He was aware of how unstable and emotionally fragile she was so he tried to be as careful as possible.

"How... how did you come here?" he wanted to know. He had talked to Snow and the others but no one had actually told him anything he could make sense of. They'd really need to sit down and sort the mess out for him. "When we first got here," he said. "This palace looked like it had been deserted for a long time."

"Thirty years," she whispered and he seemed a little confused. "No one had set foot in it for almost thirty years."

"How did you end up in the court yard at night?" he wanted to know. She had been exhausted and certainly scared when he had found her.

"A curse," was all she offered. She returned her attention to her plate, still playing with the food.

"You should eat it before it gets cold!" he reminded her and this time she listened. Quietly she nibbled at bits here and there and suddenly the idea of food didn't seem to bad any longer.

"Where have you been?"

"Looking."

"For what?" he asked.

"Myself?" she said and looked at the man in front of her. She wondered what suddenly made her so willing to share these information with him. She had been looking for something happier, her very own happy ending but she couldn't allow herself to go back to that place. Not now.

"Did you find what you were looking for?" he asked softly and while he watched her in silence, the sadness settled over her and he didn't need the answer any longer.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

_It had been a lovely day, after all that had happened. She hadn't spend much time away from the castle. No one would've let her wander on her own. Not when the King was gone but Regina had decided to ignore these rules; after all she was the Queen and she could do as she pleased. She was dressed in a long, white dress. Something very simple, compared to the gowns she usually wore. Her hair fell loosely past her shoulders and suddenly she felt so young and free. The people of her kingdom didn't even recognize her. They hardly ever acknowledged her when she was on her own and for once, Regina was grateful. _

_It felt good to talk to someone, a person who didn't know and judge her straight away. She enjoyed the fairies company very much._

"_Snow White?" Tinker Bell asked. "That's her name?" _

_If Regina wasn't mistaken, there was the slightest hint of mockery in that question. That's why she'd instantly liked Tinker Bell. She wasn't impressed by names and titles, didn't allow anyone to intimidate her. She did what she thought was the right thing and she certainly wasn't shy._

"_Even I think that's a bit precious," she said and raised an eyebrow at Regina. The fairy was just as sassy as the Queen and she loved it. "And my name is Tinker Bell," she said and took a sip from her cup._

"_She's a monster," Regina said, full of bitterness. "Totally indulged and adored," Regina told the fairy. The look on her face said it all, she didn't approve at all. "She sort of ricochets through life, telling people secrets," she said, obviously bothered by the young princess._

_Tinker Bell listened, wondering what had happened between them and why this young girl troubled the Queen so much. _

"_She had my fiancé killed," Regina told her a little quieter. There it was; the reason why she'd been so agitated. _

"_No!", Tinker Bell said, wondering what the princess had done. _

_Regina shook her head. "The only way I can get through it is that she and the King are gone all the time," she said and it made Tinker Bell wonder a little. Somehow, she hadn't expected that. Didn't every one wanted to be a Queen? She had one right in front of her and she didn't seem happy with it at all. _

"_I'm glad your husband is gone," Tinker Bell said and Regina laughed humourlessly._

"_It's not a marriage," Regina said and then she said the truth out loud. For the very first time since it had happened, she put the whole truth into words and the fairy was the only person she actually trusted with it. "It's a farce."_

_Tinker Bell looked surprised and Regina carefully looked around, making sure that no one was listening or had overheard them. She leaned in a little closer, speaking a little quieter this time. _

"_I may be the Queen, but alone in that palace I feel like the Queen of nothing," she admitted. This didn't sound like the glorious life of a queen that every body always dreamed of. It sounded lonely and isolated and Tinker Bell understood why Regina had been so desperate. _

"_No wonder you jumped," Tinker Bell said straight away and this time Regina looked taken aback. _

_She laughed it off, but it didn't sound real. _

"_I didn't jump," she said. "I fell."_

_Tinker Bell put her cup down, biting her lip. She wouldn't discuss that with the queen. She had known enough, her a lot of things and she knew exactly what had happened._

"_You fell," she said and tried to suppress a smile, clearing her throat. _

"_I did," Regina justified herself more vigorous but then the expression on her face changed. Suddenly she seemed a little sadder. Of the course the fairy knew what had happened and maybe she didn't need to try to lie to her, after all it felt lovely to have someone to talk to. _

"_But if I had," she admitted carefully, taking a deep breath. "Here's to good reasons," she suddenly said with a smile and raised her cup to the fairy. It was clear that she didn't want to talk about it somehow, she wanted to get it over with. Tinker Bell wondered if she had done her a favour but she refused to let her down now. _

"_You know, I've got an idea," Tinker Bell said and Regina tucked a few strands of hair behind her ear, listening. "I can help people find what they need, Regina."_

"_And what do I need?" the queen asked, surprised._

"_You don't even know?" Tinker Bell asked. This woman must be really sad if she'd forgotten about that. "That's so sad, Regina! Love! You need love."_

"_You're gonna help me find another soul mate?" Regina asked with a smile, she wasn't taking the fairy too serious. _

"_It is possible to find love again," the fairy reminded her. "I've never seen pixie dust fail. We'll find you your perfect match," she said but Regina didn't look convinced. After losing Daniel, she had lost faith in love and her ability to love. "If you let it, it'll find your happy ending."_

"_My happy ending looks like Snow's head on a plate," she said and the bitterness had returned._

"_No!" Tinker Bell said. "Aren't you at least curious?" she asked. "What if I can do what I say?"_

"_Then I'd say that's real magic," Regina repeated with mock excitement._

"_Well, I'm a fairy!" she said. "You might wanna try believing in me," Tinker Bell said and Regina didn't know what to say. There was nothing to lose after all._

_***_

A single question had brought her back to a far off place. Somewhere she hadn't been for such a long time. She had given up on that question, refused to think about it. In the end she knew that it had been a bloody disaster. There was only one thing she had found on her seemingly endless journey, one thing she didn't want to miss and yet it had been taken away from her.

He had been the only thing worth fighting for in the end but it had been in vain. She had lost it all, she should've seen it coming but she had refused to believe it; pushed it away and pretended that things were going exactly as she had planned them only to be forced to give it up. She knew she had done the right thing. Henry was with Emma, he was save and out of the Wicked Witch's reach and still it hurt so much. It'd be more tolerable if it wasn't for the pain.

_Did you find what you were looking for?_

He had asked, gentle and caring. He'd been asking about her but suddenly it had triggered so many memories that she was overwhelmed and unable to keep it locked up. She dropped her head, eyes on her plate. She felt the pain inside her chest, making it hard to breathe. Her vision was suddenly blurred with tears. She tried to swallow the pain, suppress the sobs that threatened to shake her body. She didn't want to cry in front of him. Not again.

Regina tried to focus, she knew that he was watching her and she felt sorry for him. He must be thinking that he did something wrong when all he had done was caring for her. She wanted to tell him that it was okay, but she didn't trust herself. She knew she'd burst into tears when she looked at him now. She swallowed and bit her lip, trying to think of something else but these memories wouldn't leave her alone. She was so grateful that he had reached out to her, that he didn't leave her be and still a part of her was still fighting her, trying to pretend that was coping just fine.

It wasn't until he quietly put his hand on hers that she lost control and the tears fell wordlessly. That single touch was all she'd needed and the hot tears streamed down her cheeks.

Robin watched her, trying to figure out what to do. Regina tried to wipe the tears away with her sleeve and got up from her chair. For a moment he thought that she would leave him behind.

"He's gone," she said and slowly paced the kitchen. "He's gone," she said and sobbed.

Robin knew that she was talking about her son. He'd heard the others talking over lunch. She had lost her son, just like he had lost his a long time ago.

"He's gone to a land without magic and I'll never see him again," she said with her face in her hands. "And it's all my fault," she whispered, she seemed at a complete loss.

Robin walked over to her and took her by the wrist, gently pulling her into an embrace and for the first time she didn't fight against it but let herself fall into it. She leaned against him, her arms around his neck, sobbing against his shoulder.

"I'm sorry," he said and held her for a while until the sobs subsided. She raised her head from his shoulder but didn't let go. She looked up and he leaned his forehead against hers.

"We'll find a way," he told her and she nodded because she didn't know what else to do. She kept his eyes on him when she wiped the remaining tears from her cheeks and for once the sudden affection she felt toward Robin didn't make her want to leave, it made her want more.

Before she changed her mind she leaned in and kissed him, hesitant at first. He cupped her face tenderly with both hands and pulled her closer when the kiss turned into something more passionate and longing. She felt herself craving more, a soft moan escaped her lips when they parted for air. For a brief second they looked into each others eyes and leaned in for another kiss. She felt a soothing warmth spreading from head to toe, an invisible force that pulled her closer to him with every second that they kissed. For a moment her sorrows were gone, she couldn't think and all she heard was the sound of her own heart beat. Every single nerve was on fire the second that their lips locked. She had never felt like that before, not even with Daniel.

She was left breathless when they parted.

"Did you -" she asked.

"Yes," he said with a smile.

"What was that?" she wondered.

"No idea" he whispered and touched her cheek. "There it is," he said softly when the slightest hint of a smile crossed her lips.

They stood in the middle of the kitchen, quietly in each others arms but it didn't last very long. A distant sound had disturbed their peaceful privacy and they both looked up, listening. She heard people screaming but couldn't make out the words. Regina knew they needed to leave and meet the others to see what all the fuzz was about but she didn't want to.

She groaned in frustration and leaned her head against his chest. She looked up and he kissed her again, not wanting to let go but he knew they had to. She heard David and Snow, they were calling her and something in their voices alarmed Regina, made her walk a little faster.

"Are the protection spells still working?" Robin asked when the made their way to the entrance to meet them.

"They should," Regina said and from what she could see there weren't any intruders, just the usual crowd but something seemed wrong.

"Regina," Snow called out when she approached. "You need to help her," she said. She looked worried and there was a quiet plea in her words. When she stepped beside Snow, she saw the reason for their concern and it made her heart stop for a brief moment.

"We'll make sure that they didn't follow us," David said and left them with a few of the Merry Men.

"I'll be at the other side," Robin says and Regina turned to face him before he left. She wanted to tell him to be careful but he knew what he was doing so she nodded and walked off. Her eyes wandered back to the woman in front of her. She kneeled down beside her and suddenly her hands trembled slightly with fear and worry. She looked into the lifeless face of an old friend, unresponsive and barely breathing. Her face was too pale, her cheeks too red and her skin to warm against her touch.

"Regina," Snow said once more, more urgently.

_She's right,_ Regina thought.

Time was running and Regina prayed that it wasn't too late because given her looks, Tinker Bell might already be dead by now.


	11. Chapter 11

"_I stole for you. I thought we were friends."_

Regina stared at the lifeless fairy in front of her, trying to focus. She had saved Regina's life and she hadn't even said so much as 'thank you'. She had never thought about that before, it wasn't until now, when it seemed too late already that she regretted what she had done.

Suddenly, Regina was filled with guilt and anger. She wanted to tell her that she was sorry and that she didn't mean it; she was worried and nervous. She had performed many spells; she had hurt and killed people. She had healed cuts and scratches but she had never encountered something so life-threatening before. She had done terrible things but she wouldn't let Tinker Bell die under her watch, she couldn't.

She raised her trembling hands, aware of everyone's eyes on her. She knew they were watching and waiting but Tinker Bell wasn't the only reason. Most of them hadn't seen Regina in quite a few days and she knew she had lost weight. She didn't have any make-up on, her hair was a mess and she was exhausted and her face certainly showed it. The tears on her cheeks had dried and she was sure her eyes were red and puffy from all the crying.

Regina regarded the body in front of her, there were bruises and cuts everywhere and a pretty nasty looking wound on the right side of her torso, it almost looked like deep scratches. She didn't even know where to start. She took another deep breath and concentrated on the task, her hands hovering over Tinker Bell and the magic bathed her in a soft purple light. Her magic wasn't as dark as it used to be, some things had changed. The healing process was painfully slow, it took every ounce of her strength that she had left and she quietly cursed herself for being so weak. The wounds didn't simply disappear; Regina took most of it in exchange for her magic. It felt like an eternity when the first changes showed, one by one the cuts looked less threatening, the bruises faded until most of them were gone. Regina didn't stop when her hands started shaking. Her breathing got a little heavier and she felt a thin layer of sweat on her face but it didn't stop her, she wouldn't rest until she was certain that Tinker Bell would survive.

The cuts didn't heal entirely but at least Regina made sure that she wouldn't die of an infection sooner or later. When Regina's vision blurred and she see saw tiny stars dancing in front of her eyes, she was forced to stop. It was all she could take for now; her head was throbbing with pain and she tried to focus so she wouldn't black out.

"What happened?" Regina asked quietly and out of breath. She never took her eyes off the fairy.

"I wish I knew," Snow said calmly. "We found her by the lake not too far from here. She was already unconscious when we reached her."

Regina wiped the sweat from her forehead with her trembling hand, feeling utterly exhausted. She was so churned up inside after her little break down and the kiss and now Tinker Bell was here, the fairy she thought she hated, only to realize that she did care a lot.

"I didn't even know she was here," Regina whispered, her voice shaky. "Take her to my room," Regina said, she wanted to make sure that she was safe herself. She owed that much to her. "You need to get Granny," she told Belle who nodded and left to find her. If there was one person in this castle who knew how to make sure she would survive it was her and, odd as it seemed, Regina trusted her somehow. She took Tinker Bells hand, which was cold to her touch, and summoned her last bit of strength to take her back to her room. She made sure that Tink was in the middle of the bed, soft and safe until Granny arrived to tend to the wounds Regina couldn't heal.

"What happened to you?" Regina whispered and put the blanket over her so she wouldn't feel cold. She lit the fire that had been neglected hours ago and waited. It didn't take long until she heard footsteps down the hall and Granny entered the room, carrying all sorts of things.

"Poor thing must've been out there for a while," Granny said more to herself while she began her work. She removed the cover, carefully peeling off the fabric that had once been her dress. Regina watched quietly, trying to figure out what to do. She felt helpless and uneasy.

"Go and fetch me some hot water, dear," Granny said without looking up, she had sensed her uneasiness and although it didn't pass unnoticed how the old lady had addressed her, she simply obliged. With a snap of her wrist she had a bowl of hot water and some fresh cloths in front of her and although using more magic exhausted her beyond imagination, she ignored it and sat down on the other side of the bed.

"I'll look after her," Regina said quietly and drenched one of the clothes in the water.

"And who's looking after you?" Granny asked with a mixture of concern and even a little judgment. She watched her raising an eyebrow and Regina simply returned the gaze. That question had her thoughtful but she didn't know what to say, she didn't owe her an answer at all.

"She was my friend," Regina said quietly and started to wipe off dirt and blood off her arm.

"Didn't know you knew each other," Granny admitted.

"A long time ago," Regina said and washed the traces of the last days away carefully.

"I'll need to take this off to wrap the wounds properly," Granny said after they had worked in silence for a couple of minutes.

"I'll fetch her some clean clothes to wear," Regina said and left them alone for a while. When she returned to her room, Tinker Bell had a white bandage wrapped around her torso; Regina smelled herbs and it was pretty soothing.

"She needs to rest and then we'll see," Granny said when they were done.

"You think she'll be okay?"

"It'll take time," Granny said. "It'd probably help to know what did that to her but I guess we won't until she wakes up."

"_If she wakes up,"_ Regina thought but kept it to herself and nodded.

"I'll look after her."

"Only if you promise to look after yourself as well," she said. "You look awful."

"Oh thanks a lot!" Regina replied sarcastically.

After Granny left, Regina sat down on the day bed by the fire. She was chilled to the bone and exhausted and the warmth of the fire was soothing. She leaned back, wrapped in a blanket. It was then that all the exhaustion fully settled, her head was pounding with pain and every part of her body was aching. The soft crackling of the fire slowly calmed her to a place where she wasn't asleep or awake; remembering.

She didn't look up from the book when she heard the sound of rustling leaves, coming in through the open window. It took her a second to realize that it wasn't the leaves but Tinker Bell's wings fluttering through the air. She was in her miniature form when she arrived and Regina knew she would drop by sooner or later but she wasn't in the mood for any company.

_She had been such a coward and she couldn't admit that to her now. She had been such a fool and she shouldn't have agreed to all of this._

"_How did it go?" the fairy asked, excited. Regina looked up, trying to figure out what to say without having to admit the truth._

"_I..." she shrugged her shoulders. "It was..."_

"_What happened?" Tinker Bell asked, she had returned to her full size, sitting down at the end of the bed. "I don't understand you're not glowing with new love. You should be glowing!"_

_Regina's expression changed. She was angry, wasn't sure whether Tinker Bell was to blame for this. It seemed easier to blame herself than admit that she'd chickened out after all._

"_Because it didn't work!" Regina said. "The pixie dust, it was wrong!" she said but Tinker Bell didn't believe her. She knew that it never failed and had never failed anyone before. There must be more to this. "I went in and met him and he was awful, it was just... awful!" Regina lied but she didn't know what else to do. She had been lying for such a long time now that it became hard not to._

"_Are you sure you went to the right man?" Tinker Bell asked, she wouldn't give up on that._

"_Yes! The one with the lion tattoo," Regina said and shook her head. "That wasn't the problem!" The only problem was herself but she wouldn't admit that._

"_What was?" The fairy asked trying to understand what had happened._

"_You," Regina replied, accusingly._

"_Me?"_

"_Yes! You... you're a terrible fairy!"_

"_You didn't go in, did you?" Tinker Bell asked a little quieter. She actually started to feel a little sorry for the lonely queen._

"_How dare you?"_

"_It's okay," Tinker Bell tried to encourage her not to lose faith. "You were afraid."_

"_I'm not afraid of anything," Regina said a little more insistent. They both knew she was lying. Tinker Bell looked worried, if not disappointed. Just a couple of hours ago they had laughed about it over a drink and suddenly she felt like she was talking to a different person._

"_Can't believe I just let you distract me!"_

"_No!" Tinker Bell told her. "Don't do it. What you need is love!"_

"_I had love and he's dead!" Regina said louder and the bitterness had returned. "And I suffered and what you sent me towards wasn't going to change that!" she shook her head. "Goodbye!" she dismissed the fairy with a condescending look on her face and Tinker Bell looked hurt._

"_What about me?" Tinker Bell asked, feeling hurt and let down. She had put so much faith in Regina, she had believed in her with all her soul and suddenly it didn't matter any longer. "I stole for you," Tinker Bell said and Regina couldn't even look her in the eyes. "And for what? For nothing! I'm in big trouble!" she said but Regina didn't seem to care._

"_As I said, you're a terrible fairy!"_

"_I thought we were friends," Tinker Bell said sadly._

"_I don't have friends!" Regina said and Tinker Bell didn't understand. It wasn't too long ago that she had told her how lonely life in that palace was and now she wasn't even willing to try._

"_Fly away, moth," Regina said with one last look at the fairy. "Don't let the doors catch your wings on the way out!"_

Back then, when she rejected Tinker Bell she hadn't thought of herself as the Evil Queen but she certainly had acted like her. She had been rude and ungrateful for no reason. She had let Tink down because she was too proud to admit that she had been afraid to take a chance. She had held on to her anger and her grief for so long that she hadn't known what to do without it. And Tinker Bell had paid the price. If Regina had been brave enough to meet the man with the lion tattoo her life might've turned out differently, just like Tinker Bells.

She wouldn't have ended up unconscious and barely alive because she didn't have the chance to protect herself from whatever creature had almost killed her and it made Regina feel extremely guilty. She had almost given up on wanting to find the man with the lion tattoo. She'd been ready to erase it from her mind, if that was even possible. As hard as it seemed she didn't want to dwell on the past since it didn't get her anywhere but now Tink was back. The one person who had started all of this, who had sparked hope in Regina even when she'd been too scared was back in her life.

Sometimes she had wondered if Tinker Bell had actually done her a favour by saving her life. Wouldn't it have been better for everyone if she'd been gone? God knows where they'd all be today. She shook her head in silence, trying to ignore these terrible thoughts; she had never wanted to go back and yet something always reminded her of these days.

"Regina?" he asked carefully before he entered the room. She looked up, a tired smile on her face. She had been so exhausted that things just passed her and now that she had some time to calm down, she started to process everything that had happened during the last two hours. She remembered the kiss and how right it had felt; she'd been safe in his arms and it had made her feel loved, if only for a moment. She was completely lost in his embrace. She had never felt like that before and she couldn't explain it. Maybe it was her need and the loneliness that had made the kiss so intense but a part of her believed that there had been more, she just didn't know what.

She had wondered if it would be awkward to face him after the kiss, wondered what she would do or say but now it didn't seem to matter. As much as she wanted to be left alone, she didn't want him to leave.

She watched him when he walked over, sitting down by her feet.

"How do you feel?" he asked quietly although Tinker Bell wouldn't wake any time soon.

"Tired," she whispered and stared at her hands.

"You saved her," Robin said. He didn't know that, without Regina, the fairy wouldn't be in that situation after all.

"I tried," Regina said and refused to look up.

"Have you met each other before?" he asked.

"Briefly, yes," Regina told him. They hadn't known each other for a very long time but in the end it had meant a lot to her, if only she hadn't messed it up. She wasn't ready to tell him about the man with the lion tattoo and how she'd let Tinker Bell down. She didn't want him to think that she would let him down sooner or later, it was complicated enough for now.

"Did she come back with you?" Robin asked.

Regina shrugged and turned her head, looking out of the window. "I don't know," she said. "I don't remember seeing her. I don't understand why she ended up being so far away from us."

"I... I don't understand. She's a fairy, can't she -" he started.

"Protect herself?" Regina laughed but there wasn't anything funny about that. "No," she said quieter. "She couldn't even protect herself," Regina said and her voice was filled with emotions, most of all there was guilt. Robin reached out and took her hand and she let him. For a couple of seconds, she looked at their hands and wondered why it had been so scary many years ago.

"She didn't have her wings," Regina said and looked at Robin for the first time since he'd joined her.

"How did that happen?" Robin had heard of fairies but he had never heard of one that didn't have her wings, he knew they needed them.

"I didn't believe in her," Regina whispered. "I took her wings away."


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

"_I didn't believe in her", she'd said._

Robin knew that fairies died when no one believed in them any longer and he wondered what had happened between Regina and Tinker Bell that she had her wings taken away. Somehow Regina blamed herself for all of this, looking utterly defeated while she spoke. She was exhausted, he knew she hadn't slept properly in days. Even those hours that she'd spent in his chamber hadn't helped at all.

"You shouldn't stay here all night," Robin said calmly. He knew she hated this room, she didn't want to be here, that's what she'd told him herself. There wasn't the slightest chance that she would find sleep here.

She shook her head. "I won't leave her," she told him.

"What if she wakes up?" she asked and looked at Robin. He looked as worried about her as she was for Tinker Bell. "We don't even know what happened to her and who did this," she said quietly and tried not to let her voice break while she spoke. "What if they come back?"

"You protected the castle yourself," he said and gently caressed the back of her hand. "I think we're safe for now."

If her magic was as weak as she is, that wouldn't last very long, she thought.

"I don't want her to be alone when she wakes up," Regina said and tears glistened in her eyes.

"Come here," he said quietly and moved a little closer. He held her in his arms and she laid her head on his shoulder. The warmth of his arms was reassuring, comforting. She closed her eyes, inhaling that scent of his. She tried to memorize it with every part of her body in case he'd leave her. She wanted something to remember him by.

"You should try to sleep a little," he said and she was grateful that he didn't try to talk her out of it. She held onto his hand and he didn't want to leave her but he knew that she just needed a bit of time and most of all she needed to rest. A part of him already expected her to protest but it only took a couple of minutes until she was sound asleep against his shoulder, her arm wrapped around his waist. He wanted to stay with her, get lost in the moment as long as possible because no one would know how long it lasted. Robin closed his eyes, listening to the soft sound of her breathing.

About five years ago, he'd never imagined that this would happen again. That he would be able to fall in love with someone else and open up. He hadn't wanted to, refused to let people come close. He'd gotten lost in his task to help the poor, ignoring the past for such a long time.

He had been reckless and careless sometimes, he'd nearly been killed but somehow he'd always been lucky enough to get away. A part of him had probably wanted to get killed because he'd thought that he had nothing left to live for.

It had taken a long, long time until he'd been strong enough to accept the truth and deal with it. He owed that to his family, his Merry Men and most of all, to himself. He looked down at Regina and smiled. Suddenly, it didn't hurt as much any longer. Within such a short time, the queen had turned his world around and she probably didn't even know. He knew he would do anything for her to protect her. He knew that she was a strong and powerful woman but he also knew that the worst demons are your own, the ones that come from within.

As wounded and hurt as she was, she needed someone to catch her every time she fell and he was willing to do that.

He gently laid her down, covering her with a blanket, placing a soft kiss on her forehead before he left.

***

Sherwood Forest, five years ago

_"What happened?" Robin asked when he approached his camp. He'd felt that something was wrong. They'd left the camp three days ago to help some poor villages far away but something had made him return sooner. _

_He looked around and everyone seemed busy but too quiet. There was no laughter, no talk and no cheering. The children didn't play hide and seek between the tents and the look on Tuck's face, when he approached Robin, made his skin crawl. He knew that something was wrong. _

"_Thank God you're here," the Friar said. _

"_Where's Marian?" he asked and walked a little faster. "What about the baby?" he wanted to know, handing his bow and arrow to Little John who was right beside him. _

"_She wasn't feeling too well," Tuck said and led the way. "Lilian is taking care of her right now." Robin was lead to Lilian's tent, not to far from his own. The old lady had healed so many wounds and cuts, had taken care of so many sick children, had helped delivering so many babies that he trusted her with all his heart but he knew it was too early. _

_The men looked at each other once more and Robin somehow tried to prepare himself for whatever awaited him, knowing that it wouldn't be pleasant. He pushed the fabric aside and entered the tent. It was warm inside the tent, not comforting but somewhat oppressing. He was greeted with silence and sad looks but no one seemed to be willing to break it and speak to him. _

_He walked to the cot in the middle of the tent where Marian was laying. He kneeled beside her, shaking his head in disbelief. _

"_What happened?" he asked quietly. "She was fine when we left. I don't understand!" Marian didn't respond when he touched her cheek. She looked like she was sleeping, her lips slightly ajar. She was hardly breathing and trembling. Her face felt too hot to his touch, her skin was covered in a fine layer of sweat. Robin was terrified, his hands shaking. _

"_I wish I'd know," Lilian said softly, sadness clouding her voice. She was sitting at the other side of the cot, dabbing her face lightly with a cloth. "The fever won't go down," she told him. _

"_What about the baby?" he asked but he wasn't sure whether he wanted to know the answer. "It's too early!"_

"_I know," Lilian said quietly. "But I'm afraid I can't delay it any longer. I've tried everything possible but it doesn't seem to help."_

"_There must be something we can do!" Robin said. He wouldn't give up on his family just now. He still needed time to process what was happening, it all felt too surreal. "I know there's a sorcerer who can-" Robin said. He'd saved her once, not too long ago. Robin had almost paid that with his life, if it hadn't been for the maid who had shown mercy and released him. _

_He didn't care, he would do it again. He'd give his life to safe his wife and the baby. _

"_It's too late!" Lilian said. "I'm so sorry, but it is too late," she spoke quietly, her voice filled with sorrow and sadness. "We can't move her, Robin! She's too weak, she can barely breathe."_

_He looked at his wife, the one who had changed so drastically within the past days that he had been gone. _

_This couldn't be happening, this was a terrible nightmare, he thought. He took her hand in his own, placing soft kisses on the back of her hand while the tears streamed down his face. _

"_How long?" he wanted to know. _

"_A couple of hours," Lilian said and raised to her feet. "Maybe a day or two," she said with tears in her eyes. She walked around the cot and placed a hand on his shoulder. She hadn't seen something like this happening in such a long time. Marian had been fine three days ago but the truth was she had never been in very good health. _

"_I shouldn't have left you," Robin whispered. Lilian knew that it wouldn't have changed a thing but it didn't matter now. She hadn't had much hope left for the baby but it was too painful to even think of it. _

"_I'll be outside to get some fresh water," she told Robin but he wasn't listening. She left him behind with his dying wife. He had never imagined that something like this would happen to them, he'd always considered them to be safe. How foolish he had been; there were things you couldn't hide from, no matter how hard you tried. Robin tried to make sense of all of this, it was happening so fast that he couldn't catch up. This didn't make sense, none of it did. _

_He'd had so many plans for them and for his child. He'd been so excited when they found out that she was with a child. All the things he wanted to show his child,the greatest gift that he had ever expected and now it would be taken away from him. He wondered if that was the price he had to pay for all the things he had done. A cruel punishment after helping so many poor people, it didn't seem fair. He had spent an eternity, kneeling by her side. Praying that she would be strong enough to live through this and to stay with him. He tried to find a solution but with every hour that passed, his hope slowly faded. He talked to her, hoping she'd hear him. He told her how much he loved her and how much he needed her and that he couldn't live without her. _

_Later that night, when the stars were glistening brightly in the dark sky, his son was born. At that time, no one had any hope left but they wouldn't speak of it. It was too early, they all knew it and when he held the tiny baby in his arms the world stood still. He knew he'd do anything in his power to safe his life but time had betrayed him. _

_He'd held him close and warm until he stopped breathing. He'd been too weak, too young and he had to let go. That night, his life was shattered into a thousand pieces. The pain had numbed him and he couldn't breathe. His wife had never lived to see their son, she had left him shortly after his son did. He had cried beside his wife until there was nothing left._

***

Robin had tried to go to sleep what felt like hours ago but these memories kept him awake. It had happened so many years ago and sometimes he returned to that night. Most times, it happened unexpectedly. There was always something that would remind him of his wife and take him back to this cold November night. At the beginning, these memories had haunted him in his sleep, tortured him with never ending pain and it had seemed impossible to let go. He had felt guilty that he'd been gone, that he hadn't done anything about it before he'd finally accepted that there hadn't been anything he could've done about it

The pain had faded after years but he still thought about it every now and then. When Marian had died he was certain that he would never find someone he loved as much as he had loved her, he'd been so sure that he'd never be able to be happy again. At the beginning it had felt weird to enjoy life again, to laugh without feeling guilty but this had passed as well.

He stared out of the window and thought about Regina. She'd also lost her child; he knew her pain so well, if only she'd let him help. At that thought he shook his head, hadn't he acted the same way? In the months after their death he hadn't talked to anyone. He'd avoided most of his Merry Men and he got lost in his work. Hunting and protecting people where it'd been necessary because he'd done anything that distracted him. If he hadn't had anything to occupy his thoughts he'd been drunk or had gotten into all sorts of trouble. He hadn't been the honourable man they all talked about back then. If it hadn't been for his Merry Men, he'd been dead by now. It had taken a lot of time but he had accepted the truth and had gotten back on the right track but he hadn't done that all by himself.

Robin heard her before she reached his door, a faint smile crossing his lips. There was only one person who knew the castle well enough to wander through it at night. Except for Snow but he couldn't picture he sneaking around his room. He walked to the door and opened it quietly, trying not to frighten her, before she changed her mind and turned around.

"You're awake," she said quietly when she stepped into his room.

"So are you," he said and closed the door behind her, standing in front of her. She looked at him and laid his arms around his neck, he pulled her closer without hesitation, his hands on her waist.

"Are you okay?" she asked calmly. She looked into his eyes and wondered what he had that pulled her to him, that suddenly made it impossible to stay away from him. She felt safe with him and it calmed her. She noticed that he looked worried and tired, if she wasn't mistaken, there was a hint of sadness that surrounded him. She wondered if it had been there before and if she'd simply been to busy with herself to notice.

"I'll be fine," he replied without truly answering her question. He would tell her the truth one day but this wasn't the right time. "So will you," he said and leaned his forehead against hers. "Someday, it will be okay and it won't hurt so much," he told her calmly. There was so much truth in his words, so many emotions, that she believed him without a doubt. It almost sounded like he knew exactly what she was going through; that he had shared some sort of pain at some time in his life. She didn't want to press on it but she didn't know what to say either so she kissed him.

The next couple of days passed rather quiet. They appeared to be safe and Tinker Bell remained unconscious but didn't seem to get worse. Regina had spent most of her time with the fairy, refusing to let anyone take her place by her bedside. She still refused to eat with all of them, she still wasn't ready for so much company. She had a feeling that they were talking about her but Regina ignored them. She didn't owe them any answers, she wasn't ready to admit that all of this had defeated her somehow. She had almost expected Snow to drop by in an attempt to cheer her up but she didn't and Regina had a feeling that Granny had a hand in this. She was the only one Regina had talked to fro time to time when she'd taken care of Tink's wound. They spoke occasionally; some times Regina had answered the old lady's questions, grateful for any distraction. On other days, she'd sat by quietly, ignoring everything that had been said. Granny had never left without asking the queen if she was alright though. She knew she wasn't but she'd never been pushy about it and Regina was actually touched by the fact that she seemed to care. It was something she had yet to get used to.

Regina had spent time with Robin; in some nights she'd go to his room at night and hug him quietly. She rested in his arms, recuperating in silence. She'd cuddle up to him at night and allow him to hold her, allowed herself to get lost in each others presence. Some nights she would sit by the window without saying a word; she wouldn't talk to him, looking lost and desolate and he knew she was gone, trapped somewhere by her own memories.

Whenever this happened, she refused to eat. She was restless and uneasy, hardly sleeping through the night. Sometimes he'd wake up with her by his side, on another day he'd find her sitting by the fire even before daylight. Sometimes she smiled at him through tear-filled eyes, on other days she wouldn't look at him at all. The one thing that never changed was the fact that he didn't leave. After a while it seemed a little easier to figure out what she needed; he hugged her quietly or simply sat beside her so she wouldn't feel alone. When she woke from her nightmares he'd kiss her and tell her it'll be alright until the sobs faded.

It had been nearly a week and a half since they'd found Tinker Bell when things changed. She wasn't as pale as she had been before, most of her bruises had faded and the wound was healing, without a sign of an infection. It had just started snowing outside when Regina stepped into her room one morning and the fairy slowly opened her eyes.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

_It had happened unexpectedly; she'd been ripped from her life in that strange town that she'd just recently had started calling 'home'. At first she had no idea what was going on; she started fighting the magic. She didn't know where it came from or who'd cast it but something didn't feel quite right. For just an instant it felt like Tinker Bell was flying but then she panicked because she couldn't, she didn't have any wings nor did she have a simple spark of magic left inside. She had lost faith and she'd paid the price. She had spent too much time in the presence of Hook and Pan and the Lost Boys; it had been enough to drain her of any spark of hope that there might have been a long time ago. _

_The fairy was struggling and suddenly she fell. She hit the ground with a loud thud, crying out as the air was knocked out of her. She wasn't prepared and she couldn't even slow down the fall. Her breath was raging, her lungs aching. The ground was hard and cold and it was dark. It took a couple of seconds before she was collected enough to open her eyes. She smelled it before she saw it; she was in a forest. Suddenly, all her senses sprung alive. She didn't know what kind of forest this was and which creatures inhabited these woods; she listened closely, trying to calm down. She was certain that the beating of her heart would give her away sooner or later. She wouldn't even be able to protect herself in case of an attack. Slowly, she lifted herself off the ground, her gaze wandering. The moonlight fell through the trees, lightening a small path. She didn't know where this would take her but staying here was out of question. She was familiar with the woods; she had lived in a tree house in Neverland but back there, she knew what to look out for. She knew every tiny insect, every little danger that roamed the island. She hadn't had a reason to be afraid; most of the Lost Boys hadn't bothered about her, had considered her a fallen and useless fairy. _

_She quietly walked along the path without the slightest idea where it would take her, something seemed oddly familiar but she just couldn't figure out why. In the dark of the night, everything tree looked the same to her. _

If only I had my wings, _she thought. She could fly above the tree tops and look at the land she'd been brought to against her will. She wouldn't be wandering through unknown forests, angry at herself. If she hadn't been so stupid such a long time ago, she certainly wouldn't be in that dilemma. She had been angry for so long, she had been disappointed. Not even with Regina, but with herself._

_Tinker Bell had lost faith in herself._

_During her time in Neverland, she had gone through so many what-ifs that it had nearly driven her insane. A part of her thought she hadn't been worth it, she had believed that she wasn't useful and that she had deserved all of this. She had blamed herself until she had reached a point where she didn't care any longer. She knew there hadn't been a way off the island, she didn't have her wings and she didn't have any pixie dust left. She had come to terms with the fact that she'd probably die on this island with no one around who'd actually shed a tear once she was gone. _

_The fairy had wandered to a deserted meadow until her feet refused to carry her any longer. She was tired and thirsty and it was starting to get real cold. There was not a single human-being in sight and no place that would give her shelter so she started collecting leaves and moss that would keep her warm through the night. She felt uneasy when she leaned against a rock, trying to fight sleep; she was trembling and afraid and she once again cursed herself for being so useless. _

_When Tinker Bell woke the next morning she heard birds singing; there was daylight but it was getting real cold. It was nearly November and she knew she needed to find shelter real soon or she'd freeze to death out here. She couldn't even light a fire at night because that would lead the predators right to her and she was as defenceless as a child. She had hardly ever used any kind of weapon, she had never learned to survive on her own; not like this. She had always relied on her wings and her magic. _

Look where it got you, s_he whispered to herself when she left the meadow. The day passed slowly, time was dragging and she didn't encounter anyone who would be able to get her out of her misery. Finding something to eat hadn't been as easy as she'd thought. They were almost in deep winter and there were no berries or nuts to pick from the trees but at least she found a small river. She decided to wander along it, hoping that it would lead her to someone eventually. _

_Three days and three nights had passed when things started to change. Tink was tired, hungry and cold. The rain had started hours ago, soaking her clothes; leaving her chilled to the bone. She walked to the riverbank on tired feet to drink some water when she saw it. _

_It sent a shiver down her spine and she didn't even have enough time to scream when it attacked her. She wasn't quite sure if it was a bird or a monkey. It was a dark, screeching creature with deadly looking claws. She'd soon know how deadly and painful those could be when it clawed at her, digging its claws into her flesh. _

_The pain jolted through her body; her sight went black from the sudden pain that numbed her. She couldn't breathe or think, she couldn't even fight. She felt something warm run down the sides of her body; her sight was blurred but she knew that it was blood that stained her clothes. She willed herself not to give up quietly. She wasn't ready to die, not like this. She summoned the last bit of strength and started to fight the grip that this creature had on her and after minutes of struggle and agonizing pain it eventually lost its grip on her and suddenly Tinker Bell fell. _

_She couldn't see how high they'd been flying but she prayed that something would slow her down; that her bones wouldn't be shattered entirely when she hit the ground. The fairy put her hands on her face, trying to protect herself from the fall. She felt the branches that hit her, broke her skin. She was falling and it seemed never-ending. _

_The branches had slowed down most of her fall, not gently though. Every single nerve in her body was on fire. Her head was throbbing with pain, the cuts stinging. She lifted herself off the ground once more, listening. She was afraid the creature might return, she was wounded; what an easy prey. When she looked up, she could hardly see the sky. The trees were high and dense and she immediately cursed herself for not opening her eyes when the creature had lifted her in the air. At least she'd know where she needed to go or where exactly she had been taken. She wasn't in any condition to climb a tree and look for herself. As sad as it seemed, she suddenly appeared safest down here because the trees were so thick that she couldn't be seen and something told her that this flying thing didn't hunt on the ground. _

_The trees in this part of the forest were higher and thicker, the tree trunks wide and she knew she would find shelter in one of them. She knew she had seen these trees before when she found a hollow tree that seemed good enough to give her shelter. She wasn't in any position to be picky about her whereabouts so she ducked under the branches that had grown in front of the hole and leaned against the inside of the trunk. _

_She closed her eyes and suddenly the pain was overwhelming. Her head was throbbing, every part of her body was aching. The cuts stinging against the cold and the sticky warmth on the right side of the torso alarmed her, made her gaze in horror when she saw three deeps cuts that were still bleeding. She didn't know how much blood she had already lost but she knew she needed to stop it somehow. She tore apart of pieces of fabric that had once been a part of her dress and pressed it on the wounds. She screamed out in pain, sweat breaking out; it made her feel nauseous and weak but she tried to apply as much pressure as possible. She was panting and sweating when she remembered. _

The Enchanted Forest, _she thought and almost cried out with relieve. She suddenly felt a little safer if only these creatures weren't hunting her for some reason. She had never seen these before, didn't know where they came from. After a few minutes the sudden relieve turned into desperation and fear. She felt warm tears stream down her face; the pain was so excruciating that she could hardly move. She couldn't call out for help, could hardly walk. She quietly cried to herself until she blacked out. It was night when she woke for the first time. It was cold and she was shivering, she slowly lifted the cloth from the wound, wincing at the pain. It had eventually stopped bleeding but the cuts were so deep that she knew they wouldn't heal on their own. _

_In the dim moonlight, she saw the cuts and bruises that covered almost every part of her body. She knew it wouldn't end well if she didn't find any help very soon. When she woke again at the break of dawn, she was shivering in the cold of the morning but her skin was covered in sweat. _

No, _she whispered and felt fresh tears run down her face. _

_She didn't have any water, nothing clean to take care of the wounds and life was draining from her with every passing minute. The next couple of days passed in a haze, clouded by pain and sorrow. The fever was getting worse and she quietly cried to herself through closed eyes, tormented by hallucinations and nightmares. At some point she wished that she would simply die right there. The pain was more then she could bare and she didn't have any hope left. She had lost track of day and night, didn't know how long she'd been out here. She had a few moments when she panicked, when she didn't want to die. She dragged herself from her shelter in the tree, every bit of effort hurt. She shivered and it made her feel nauseous. She didn't get far but she might be found here at some point, someone must come by here she told herself. She lost consciousness on the damp ground of the forest. _

_She went back to Neverland in her wake moments, she talked to Regina and she flew so high that no one would ever catch her. She even heard people. Someone was calling her. An absent-minded smile crossed her lips but she never saw them coming. It all went black too fast._

_***_

"Hey," Regina whispered and sat down beside the bed. "Tink," she said softly and the fairie's eyes fluttered open for a second. "You're safe," Regina said and took her hand.

Tinker Bell listening, it seemed too exhausting to return from the place she'd been before. It was warm and soft and hardly painful. She wanted to open her eyes, wanted to see what was happening but it felt safe where she was.

_Regina_, Tinker Bell thought and the voice inside her head laughed. Tink knew she couldn't be here, last time she remembered she was in a forest and there was no way Regina was even remotely close. _The_ _Enchanted_ _Forest_, Tinker Bell remembered faintly. _But_ _how_?

Suddenly she wanted to know what was happening so she forced her eyes open. Her sight was still blurred with sleep and effort but Regina was sitting right in front of her. Tink tried to take a deep breath, the pain inside her chest was still piercing. Regina took Tinker Bell's hand in hers, it was warm and soft.

"Careful," the brunette whispered. Tinker Bell wanted to speak but her throat was so dry that she could hardly breathe. "I'll get you some water," Regina said slowly lifted a cup of water to the fairies lips. She let the water fill her mouth, run down her dry throat. It had felt ages since she'd had water and it felt like heaven. It seemed like a miracle that rushed her senses alive. She took another deep breath, more careful this time. She was in a bed, covered in blankets with a fire crackling in the fireplace.

"What happened?" she whispered, her voice was raspy.

"I was hoping you'd tell me," Regina said quietly and Tinker Bell shook her head slowly. She was still trying to set the timeline right. She had lost track of the days, missing out on quite a few.

"Where are we?" she wanted to know.

"The Enchanted Forest," Regina told her and looked at her old friend. Tinker Bell felt a sudden relief because her memory hadn't betrayed her after all.

"But..." she started, trying to take a deep breath.

"How?" Regina helped. "Long story for another time. What matters is that you're here and you're safe and alive," Regina told her. Tinker Bell listened; maybe the last voices she'd heard hadn't been part of her hallucinations.

Tinker Bell looked around the room, her eyes wandering.

"Do you remember this?" Regina asked.

"Not sure," Tinker Bell said. "It all looks so familiar," she said and although talking was exhausting, she was glad about the distraction. One by one, her memories returned and she didn't want them in her mind just yet.

"You're in my room," Regina told her. "You came through that window," Regina said and pointed at it.

"You jumped," Tinker Bell said after a couple of seconds. If Regina wasn't mistaken, the slightest hint of a smile crossed her lips. As weak as she was, she still wouldn't let go. "Still trying to convince me you didn't?" she asked when Regina took her time.

"You'll never let this go, won't you?" Regina said.

"I know what I saw."

"You know I had my reasons," Regina admitted quietly.

"Ha, so you're admitting that you jumped!" she said and winced at the pain because she was getting a little too excited.

"Easy," Regina reminded her. "I used a lot of magic to put you back together," Regina said and Tinker Bell relaxed against the cushions as the pain faded.

"How long have I been here already?" she wanted to know.

"Eight or nine days," Regina told her. The truth was that she wasn't entirely sure because her own pain had consumed her so recklessly.

"Are you okay?" Tinker Bell asked after a couple of seconds. She was quieter; more concerned.

"Yes," Regina said a little too quick. "Yes, I am."

Tinker Bell knew she was lying; something was wrong but she knew she wouldn't stand a chance in a discussion at this point. This needed to wait.

"You don't look like it," Tinker Bell said. The last time she'd seen Regina in Storybrooke she had been stressed and they had just returned from Neverland and everything had been a mess but she hadn't looked this worn out and shattered.

"I'm fine," Regina said again but Tinker Bell didn't miss the fact that the brunette didn't look at her when she spoke those words. "I'll find Granny so she can have a proper look at your wounds, she's done a wonderful job so far," Tinker was surprised. First of all by how nicely Regina had talked about the old lady and by the fact that she was here as well.

"She's here?"

"We're all here," Regina said with a sudden hint of sadness that didn't go unnoticed by the fairy. "I'll find her," Regina said and got up from the bed. She left without looking back, she suddenly needed time to gather her thoughts by herself. She found Granny in the kitchen, that had been Regina's first place of choice since it was almost time for dinner. She let her know that Tink was awake and left before she could be involved in any kind of conversation.

She returned to her room, the one that she had made hers a few days ago. It was a small room at the end of the corridor, not too far from Robin's and Tinker Bell but the distance was just about enough for her. The room hadn't been used in years, not even when she'd still lived here. It was small and somewhat comforting and it had everything she needed. Somehow it didn't feel like she'd lose herself in here. It wasn't overflowing with memories and nightmares, it felt just right. She had taken time to clean it from cobwebs and dust; she didn't use her magic. It had distracted her and she'd gotten lost in her task if only for a while until she felt ready to settle. There was no mirror in this room and she was fine with it, she didn't need a reminder of how worn out she looked. She couldn't stand it at the moment.

The fire was lit when she'd walked in; the room was warm and comforting.

_Thank_ _you_, she thought.

She knew Robin must've done it for her; he'd been hunting with the Merry Men and she hadn't seen him return. She wrapped herself in a warm wool coat and sat down by the fire. It was still snowing outside and everything had been covered in a thick, white blanket. It looked so peaceful, so undisturbed.

She had hated Tinker Bell for all she had done and it had nearly killed her in the end. She had hated her for saving her when she'd jumped because she'd wanted out of her miserable life. Tink had meant to help but Regina hadn't seen it years ago. She wondered how she had been so infuriated and afraid by the possibility of love.

He was watching her quietly, leaning against the doorframe. His soft, blue eyes were watching her and she admired his appearance quietly. He was wearing a tight shirt that covered his arms completely and she had to admit that he was quite handsome.

_It must be real cold out there,_ she thought.

"I didn't know you were back already," she said quietly and he walked in.

"I've been back for a while," he said and sat down on the edge of her bed; facing her. "You were talking to Tinker Bell when I came to see you," he said. "I thought I'd give you some time," he said and she looked at him, wondering what he had heard. Regina got up from the chair and took his outstretched hand, sitting down on his lap. It was one of those days when she felt oddly drawn to him, unable to explain this sensation. She was craving his presence and she needed someone to hold on to.

"You really care about her," he said and she nodded.

"She saved me," Regina said quietly and he wiped a few hairs out of her face and gently tucked them behind her ear. He had heard that part of the conversation but he wouldn't question her about it now, it didn't feel right. Maybe it wasn't even his business for now.

He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her a little closer, she leaned into him and took a deep breath. She had actually missed him while he was gone. Somehow that feeling was new to her but it felt great now that he was back.

He inhaled the sweet scent of hers that he grew so accustomed to within the last couple of weeks; it was soothing and familiar and it felt great to be back.

"I want you to come to dinner with me tonight," he said softly and looked at her. She immediately tensed a little at his question, she knew it wasn't a demand or an order, and there was that part inside of her that refused on the spot.

"I can't," she whispered and bit her lip.

"Why not?" he asked. "I'll be with you."

"I don't know if I can..." Regina said and took a deep breath. "I don't think I'm ready to face them. It feels weird... and awkward."

"You're afraid they'll ask questions that you're not ready to answer," he said softly and laid her forehead against hers. "Then don't," he said before she had a chance to say anything. He gently caressed her cheek with his hand as he spoke. "I promise I won't leave your side and we'll leave when you want to," he said and she nodded.

"You have to come," he said after a few moments in silence. "They probably keep thinking that I'm a little weird because I keep sneaking into your room but they never see you anywhere with me... I don't want them to think that I'm a weird and creepy person," he said with a smile that actually cheered her up a little, drawing the faintest smile from her.

"There it is," he whispered and kissed her lips softly.

"Okay," she said quietly. I'll go with you."


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: I know it's been a while but I hope you all had a lovely summer. I'm back and ready to write. Enjoy.**

* * *

_"Do you know what you cost me?" Tinker Bell asked, her voice was calm but there was a lot of anger in it. She held Regina's heart in her hand. A pitiful sight; such a beautiful one and yet so dark and evil. She squeezed it once and Regina startled, the pain rushing through her body. She remained close to Regina, watching her when she squeezed the heart. She was holding her life in her hands and she could stop it right here, in this dark cave that she now called her home, trapped in Neverland._

_Tinker Bell turned her back on Regina, putting some distance between them._

"_Your wings," Regina whispered when she noticed the truth. There were tears in her eyes; from the pain and the truth that suddenly hit her. This is what she had done to the one person who had tried to help her._

"_Why?" Tinker Bell asked, still not looking at Regina._

"_Why what?" Regina asked in return. "Why did I hand over my heart?"_

"_No!" Tinker Bell yelled and held the dark heart in her hand. "Why did you lie?" she asked, the anger was written all over her face. "Because I've been over it a million times," she yelled but her voice was a little weaker this time. She wasn't just angry, she was disappointed because Regina had let her down and lied to her._

_Regina knew what the fairy was referring to. Her eyes dropped to the floor._

"_That spell worked!" Tinker Bell yelled. "You never went in!"_

_They both knew it. Regina looked at her old friend, trying to find something to say. She was surprised by the anger and the bitterness but she couldn't blame her. She had spent many years on this island without her magic and her wings, alone. All of this just because she wanted to help Regina._

"_That's the only explanation," Tinker Bell said. "Why couldn't you just go through that door and meet your soul mate?" she asked. This was the exact same question Regina had asked herself a million times after that night. "Was being happy such a terrible fate?"_

"_Yes, it was!" Regina replied. Tinker Bell thought of something to say, she didn't really understand. "I never went in!" Regina admitted and tried to hold back the tears; tears of shame and regret._

"_I was afraid! I... I didn't... you said I could let go of the anger that was weighing me down," Regina said and looked at the floor. She couldn't bear facing Tinker Bell right now. "And suddenly it felt like without it I'd just... float away!" she said, almost yelling._

_As sad as it now seemed, she had to admit the truth: "That anger was all I had! What would I be without it?" she asked. She had never been able to picture herself as a lovely and nice person, not after everything that she had done, after everything that had happened._

"_Happy," Tinker Bell finally said and Regina shook her head._

"_Weak," he brunette answered instead._

"_Look what good it did you," Tinker Bell reminded her, still holding her life in her hand. "That strength you gained," Tinker Bell said and closed the distance between them until she was standing right in front of Regina._

"Because I'm holding your heart in my hand and I'm not hearing any reason not to squeeze into ash," she whispered.

"_You want a reason? Here you go, you think I was afraid? You think I did the wrong thing?" Regina whispered. "Well fairy, right now you're making the same choice. I picked revenge over hope," Regina said a little louder and Tinker Bell seemed to consider this for the first time. "And you're holding the result," Regina said and her voice cracked a little when she looked at her blackened heart. She raised Tinker Bell's hand with her own so that she would face the heart. "Small heart, dark heart," Regina reminded her. "If you make the same choice I did, then what you're looking at is your own future," she said. She didn't want Tinker Bell to suffer any further, like she had. She didn't deserve this and Regina had done enough harm to her. She didn't want to be responsible for that as well._

_Tinker Bell took her hand away, out of Regina's. A couple of seconds passed and they simply looked at each other. It seemed like Tinker Bell was trying to decide what to do._

"_I'm not going to tell you what to do," Regina told her and Tinker Bell turned away again. "The choice is yours. Kill me or..." she said and Tinker Bell turned around. "Act like the fairy you are!"_

"_You said I was a terrible fairy!"_

"_Well, prove me wrong!" Regina told her. "Pick hope over anger," Tinker Bell looked at the tiny organ in her hand. That was a lot, coming from the Evil Queen. "Choose love and help me get my son back," Regina said, there was a silent plea in her words._

"_You love your son," Tinker Bell said._

"_Very much," Regina told her with a smile on her face. "With Henry I've finally done something right. Don't you want to be able to say the same thing?" Tinker Bell hesitated, thinking about those words._

"_It's too late for me," Tinker Bell said._

"_Only if you kill me," Regina reminded her._

"_I won't kill you," the fairy said. "But I won't help you either. Besides, it's probably too late. He's been with him too long," Tinker Bell said and handed over Regina's heart._

"I just want to make sure that Tink is alright," Regina said before they went to dinner with everyone else.

Robin nodded and let go of her hand. As much as she cared for her friend, he knew that she was just looking for a way to avoid going to dinner at all costs. He didn't blame her but she couldn't hide forever. It was time to get her back on track.

"I'll wait for you," he told her and watched her disappear into her own room. She took a deep breath and found Tinker Bell awake in her bed. She was sitting upright, her cheeks looking a little rosier then they had yesterday.

"You look better," Regina said softly and walked over to the bed, sitting down on the edge.

"I wish I could say the same about you," the fairy said and Regina raised an eyebrow at her.

"Seems you're definitely better," Regina said and regarded her friend quietly.

"I mean it Regina," the fairy said all of a sudden. Her voice was calm and serious. "I don't know what happened since we left Storybrooke, but you look so... so..." she was trying to find the right words.

"It's ok," Regina told her. She didn't want to go there.

"Shattered and hurt," were the two things she ended her sentence with. "I have never seen you like this and it worries me," the fairy admitted honestly and took her hand.

"I'll be okay," Regina said quietly and looked at their hands.

"I've heard these words before and we both know how that ended," Tinker Bell said. "I'm not judging you," she added when Regina raised her head, trying to find something to say. "I just don't want you to go back there, you don't deserve this!"

"After all that I've done to you?" Regina asked calmly, her voice was a little unsteady at that point. Tinker Bell seemed to think about that for a second, taking a deep breath.

"Yes," she said with a smile on her face. "Even after everything that has happened. I've thought about it for a long time," she said. "Well, since I've been awake, that I forgive you," she said softly and looked at Regina. "I forgive you and I think it's time you forgive yourself."

"Thank you," Regina whispered.

"Can you do that?" Tinker Bell wondered.

"I'm trying," Regina said honestly and looked around her own room.

"Feels like it happened yesterday, doesn't it?" Tinker Bell asked and Regina nodded. "I never thought I'd see this again," Tinker Bell said.

"Tell me about it," Regina said and bit her lip. "Everything was fine – considering the circumstances – I had saved my son from Neverland and the next thing I know, I'm back in the Enchanted Forest," Regina said quietly.

"Did he not come here with you?" Tinker asked carefully. Something told her that she knew the answer.

Regina shook her head and looked at her hands. It took her a couple of seconds until she felt strong enough to talk. Her voice was quiet.

"I sent him away," Regina said and suddenly it cost a lot of strength to speak. "To be with his mother," she said and Tinker Bell listened.

"Couldn't you have taken him here?" Tinker Bell wondered. Henry had been brought to Neverland after all, so why shouldn't it be possible for him to live in the Enchanted Forest.

"I supposed I could have, but I sent him to New York with Emma. He deserved it, he never belonged to our world," Regina said and her eyes glistened with unshed tears. "He deserved a life without magic. I want him to have a normal life. He doesn't remember me, I made him forget," she said and the hot tears slowly ran down her cheeks.

Tink set up and moved a little closer to her friend. She ignored the stabbing pain in her chest and took Regina's hand.

"You didn't forget," she said. "I'm so sorry."

"I never would," Regina told her.

"This is why I forgave you, Regina," Tinker Bell said. "Because you did the right thing and I know that you are a good person, that's why I believed in you!"

Regina faced the fairy again.

"I should've done the same thing," Regina said.

"You did," Tink said. "I don't think you would've given me your heart if you didn't believe in me," she said. "Think about it."

She did and Tinker Bell was right.

"Is there a way to go back?" Tinker Bell asked.

"I don't know..." Regina said and wiped the tears away with the back of her hand. "I'm still trying to figure that out."

"We'll find a way," Tinker Bell said and leaned back into the pillows. "Do you still think about him sometimes?" Tinker Bell asked after a few seconds of silence.

"Yes," Regina admitted. "Especially after returning to the Enchanted Forest. I had the same dream over and over again. Of that night, when you took me to the tavern. I just hope he found someone and is happy now," Regina said.

"We could try to find him," Tinker Bell suggested. "That's the last bit I have left," she said and pointed at the necklace she was wearing. It held the tiniest bit of pixie dust, the last bit she had brought back from Neverland. Regina was deeply touched that she would offer her last bit of pixie dust for her but she wouldn't let that happen.

"No," Regina said and shook her head. "You've done enough for me and I won't let that happen," Regina said and the faintest smile crossed her face. She thought about the man who was waiting for her outside this very room. Maybe she didn't need to find her soul mate any more, maybe she had already found someone who would make her happy. He had done so much for her in such a short time and she was just getting used to it. She didn't want to lose him.

"What was that?" Tinker Bell asked when she saw that brief smile.

"You're right," Regina told Tink. "It might be time to let go. Maybe I don't need to find him after all," she said and the fairy nodded. She had seen him before Regina did.

"Yes," Tink said. "I think there's someone waiting for you," she said with a smile and Regina turned around. Robin was standing by the door.

"Sorry to interrupt, ladies," he said and walked into the room. "But I think it's time to go or there won't be anything left."

"I'm sorry," Tinker Bell said and regarded the man. "Have we met before?"

"I don't think so," Robin said and she took his outstretched hand. "Robin Hood, milady," he said.

"Tinker Bell, pleasure to meet you," she said and smiled at Regina who rose from the bed to leave before the fairy had a chance to ask any questions.

"I'll see you later," Regina told her friend and the both left, leaving Tinker Bell behind. She'd probably spend the evening wondering what had happened.

She took Robin's hand and walked beside him quietly. He had seen the recent tears, her eyes were still glistening but he didn't ask. There was something else he wanted to know instead.

"So..." he started. "Who is it that you don't need to meet?" he wanted to know. Maybe it wasn't his business, he was fine with not getting an answer but he simply felt like he had to distract her until they reached the great hall.

"Someone," she started, trying to think of the right words to say. It somehow felt a little weird to tell him about the man who was supposed to be her true love. "I'll tell you after dinner," she said and looked at him, he nodded.

When they approached the great hall, she heard the chatter and laughter going on over dinner; suddenly she felt nervous and insecure. Her hand tightened around his.

"Remember," he said and looked at her. "We can leave any time," he said and somehow she felt protected. She knew most of the people in this room; most of them had feared her once and now she was the one who was scared to face them and she didn't even know why she was so afraid. She was nervous when they entered and it appeared that their chatter died down a little; she felt their eyes watching her and if it wasn't for Robin's hand holding her, she would've turned around and left. She kept walking beside him, trying to avoid their gazes. Most of them had probably been wondering what she had been up to when she hid from them. She wondered if any of them knew about her and Robin but no one said a thing, not with him walking by her side.

Her heart was hammering against her chest and her mouth felt dry. She felt uneasy and didn't know what to do. She didn't want to faze them and a huge part of her wanted to go back to her room and hide but she made a promise. She said she'd try.

"There you are," a familiar voice said; she knew it was Will Scarlet before she saw him. "Thought you'd stand us up mate," he said and smiled when he saw Regina. She didn't know why, but she liked him somehow. He'd never questioned her in any way; she was fine because Robin trusted her.

"Your majesty," he said and got up to make some space for her.

"Thanks," Regina said with a light smile. She didn't have the heart to tell him that the title didn't suit her any longer; that she didn't want it and that her first name was just fine. He seemed such a cheerful person to be around, cheeky even and it somehow helped a little.

Regina sat down opposite Robin; she knew some of the Merry Men weren't quite fond of her but no one said a word. Somehow she knew that they wouldn't dare to say anything when he was around. Regina saw Snow and the others sitting at the table next to them but she didn't have the strength to join them. She wasn't up to much talking and she felt like the Merry Men would work in her favour for now. She knew Snow would only mean well but she couldn't bear her kind of cheeriness at the moment. She simply nodded when their eyes met, acknowledging her presence.

"Nice to see you around," she heard a familiar voice say and Granny put some food out in front of her before she had a chance to protest.

"Thank you," Regina said and didn't quite know what to do or to say. It all still felt a little weird. She was insecure and anxious somehow. A part of her didn't want to be here while the other part didn't have the strength to get up and leave.

"It's not poisoned," Granny said from across the table when Regina wouldn't eat.

"Quite nice, actually," Will chimed in and Robin smiled. She felt herself relax a little after a while and everyone returned to their dinner and the usual chatter. It somehow felt like everyone was curious but had enough decency not to ask any questions and she wondered if they have been warned because that was exactly what she had been afraid of; that they would ask question she couldn't or didn't want to answer.

"So," Will said when he'd finished his dinner. "You're the Queen of this place?" he asked and looked around.

"I used to be," Regina said and put her spoon down. She had finished half of her lunch but somehow she didn't feel hungry most of the time.

"Why aren't you the Queen any longer?" Will asked innocently. "Is he not treating you right?" he asked with a nod to Robin and for the first time in a while she laughed. It was a real laugh, one that came from within and it made her feel great for an instant. Robin watched her quietly, in awe. Ever since they met, this seemed to have been the first genuine laugh he'd heard and it was incredibly beautiful.

"That's not what I meant," she told him and he winked at her with a smile. She was actually starting to like him a little. When she looked across the table, she found Robin's eyes. He was watching her quietly and she smiled at him. She held the eye contact for a couple of seconds, trying to figure out what was going through his head. She wanted to thank him but there'd be time for that later.

"Yeah, don't mind me. Not like I'm sitting right here," Will said more to himself and looked at the empty glass in front of him.

"You'll get over it," Robin told Will and Regina bit her lip, trying not to be embarrassed somehow.

"I'll be right back," Robin said and got up.

"You want some?" Will asked Regina when he poured himself a glass of wine. She considered his offer for a moment and ignored the little voice inside her head that warned her she hadn't had proper food in days and maybe she shouldn't but she shrugged.

"Why not?" she said and watched Will fetch a glass and pour her some red wine.

"And you really think drinking that is a smart idea?" Granny said from across the table and raised an eyebrow at her. Regina was still touched and grateful for the concern but she wouldn't turn it down now.

"We'll see about that later," Regina said and took the glass from Will.

"Am I getting you into trouble?" Will asked not quite serious.

"I think I'll handle that," she said, feeling a little more relaxed. She sipped the wine and closed her eyes, felt the warmth slowly spread inside and it was quite soothing.

"You know," Will said when he put down his glass. "Always thought you were scary, but you're not."

"I have had my moments," Regina said. She didn't know what else to tell him; she certainly wouldn't go into any detail now.

"How was it?" Robin asked a little later when they were back in his room.

"Not as terrible as I thought," Regina admitted. She held onto his hand, not quite trusting herself. She simply had one glass of wine but it had made her feel a little light-headed and drowsy. She was sitting on the floor by the fire, in front of him with her legs across his thighs but still a little distance between them. She wasn't quite sure how they had ended up like this, but she didn't mind.

"Thank you," Regina said quietly and he reached out and tucked a few hairs behind her ear before cupping her face with both hands, placing a soft kiss on her lips.

"No need to thank me," he said. "Now," he said with a smile. "There was something you wanted to tell me." Regina put her hand on his, gently removing it from her face, holding his between hers.

"Well," she said and closed her eyes for a moment. She still felt that tiny bit of wine in her system; she felt content and somewhat relaxed. She knew if she didn't tell him now she probably never would. She didn't need to get into many details; she didn't want him to think that there was someone out there she still considered as her one and true love while he was sitting right in front of her. That wouldn't feel right.

"A long time ago," Regina started and took a deep breath. "When I met Tinker Bell... when she saved me," Regina said and looked at Robin. "When she saved me from jumping off the balcony," she said and for time since it had happened, she actually admitted the truth. She took another deep breath, feeling a little lighter somehow and he just squeezed her hand a little, encouraging her to go on. "She had that thought of helping me. I wasn't happy back then," she said and laughed humourlessly; that was quite the understatement. "And I didn't think I could be happy but Tinker Bell believed that I could so she wanted to help me find my true love," Regina said and he listened. He never took his eyes off her.

"What happened?" Robin wanted to know.

"I don't know," Regina said. "I never met him," she said and it wasn't a complete lie because they had never met. She just didn't want to tell him about the tavern and the tattoo and how afraid she had been and that she ran away, leaving her true love behind. Before he had the chance to ask any other questions, she said: "I've been thinking about it a lot recently but I'm not sure I want to meet that stranger," she said and smiled at Robin.

"And why is that?" Robin asked playfully.

"I don't know..." Regina said. "Maybe it's because I'm starting to feel great where I am," she said honestly and leaned in to return the soft kiss he had placed on her lips just now. He smiled against her lips and laid his arms around her, pulling her a little closer. She slid on his lap, her forehead resting against his. She closed her eyes and got lost in the moment; she felt him so close and allowed herself to get lost. It felt so good to be held by someone and slowly, she felt the warmth spread inside her body. It was soothing and it made her feel safe.

She closed the little bit of distance between them, sealed his lips with a kiss. What started out as a soft kiss slowly turned into something more passionate, filled with longing and need. It made her feel alive and she knew it was exactly what she needed.


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: I know it's been a while! I hope you all had a lovely summer, I'm back and ready to write! Enjoy!**

* * *

Regina leaned into the embrace, his strong arms holding her protectively. Her defences had come down in his soothing presence, his soft kisses and tender touches that made her feel safe for the very first time in ages. She had felt lonely for such a long time, unloved and unwanted; she had pushed away everyone who had tried to breach the solid fortress that had protected her for years, or so she had thought. In the end, it had done nothing but isolate her in hate and fear, making her feel incredibly lonely. Regina had doubted that anyone would be capable of loving her after everything she had done. She had lost faith in herself; she couldn't imagine that there were people out there who wanted her and looked at her with love in their eyes. She had ruined her one chance and she had never believed that she would get a second one; she didn't think she'd deserved it.

After she'd been married to the King, she had not only lost hope but also love. She hated herself when she looked in the mirror, staring at a hollow reflection that didn't seem like her any longer. She didn't like the person she saw and she couldn't expect anyone to like her either let alone love her. She hated herself for being so weak in the first place. For not trying and fighting harder to get away and suddenly she'd been trapped for the rest of her miserable life and the thought of a future, captured in palace made her feel anxious and absolutely terrified.

She hadn't had any hope; not after her marriage and not after being taken back to the very place that had caused her to lose hope, after destiny had slapped her in the face with all its strength. Being in Storybrooke had not only given her a son she knew she would never have here, but it had also put a respective distance between her demons and herself. She'd been able to block out all the memories that no one was supposed to know about. She doubted that even Snow knew the truth about the things that had happened in her precious castle. It would shatter her pretty perfect world and somehow Regina felt the need to protect her from that, as odd as it seemed. It would shatter everything the princess had ever believed in and deep inside Regina didn't have the heart to do that.

Regina didn't want anyone to know, because it wasn't any of their business. They seemed pretty happy with the image of the great and terrible Evil Queen, always someone to blame, and as much as she hated it, she didn't want them to know the truth. She didn't need their pitiful looks or their concern. A part of her knew that she couldn't keep it locked up forever but a part of her still blamed herself and made her feel so ashamed that she couldn't bear sharing that with anyone.

She took a deep breath, her forehead still resting against his. He kept her close and his presence slowly soothed her aching wounds. She suddenly had that overwhelming need to never let him go, to make love to him; she wanted to feel alive, to be sure that this was really happening. A part of her was still afraid that this would be over too soon and that fate would betray her once again and she knew she couldn't let that happen. She knew she had used people in the past, used them so she wouldn't feel hollow and lonely, told herself that she would feel loved afterwards but the truth was that she'd always felt horrible in the end. An empty, emotionless shell without a trace of emotion left inside. She had known that it wasn't real and that the attraction, if there had ever been a real one, wasn't mutual because she had used magic to make them love her. She had never allowed anyone to see how she truly felt, how scared she was because this all made her feel vulnerable and sensitive and now she thought that she was ready to trust Robin with all her heart. It suddenly seemed so easy and natural. She couldn't deny that overwhelming force that rushed through her body; that inexplicable moment when she had finally kissed him for the first time and everything had felt so right. She knew she was doing the right thing, she knew she could do it.

She didn't hesitate when her hands slowly travelled beneath the fabric of his shirt; finding warm and soft skin and it made her ache for more. She leaned in for a messy kiss, taking him by surprise and he smiled against her lips. She had her hands on his back, softly grazing the bare skin with her fingers. He hummed approvingly into the kiss and cupped her face; she had her eyes closed when he kissed the corner of her lips, placing feather-light kisses along her throat. Somehow, she just couldn't look into his eyes; she didn't trust herself not to break into a million pieces when she did so. Her lips parted in silent pleasure, her head laid back in her neck when he kissed her throat gently. She felt her fingers tingle in anticipation, her impatience taking over when her hands slowly travelled upwards, taking his shirt with her. She wanted to feel him, every inch of his body, but he stopped her.

"Not so fast, love," he whispered and took her hands in his, placing a kiss on each one of them. She watched him in silence for an instant, wondering. When Robin noticed her slight confusion he laid his arms around her waist, pulled her closer again; standing upright with her safely in his arms. She didn't even have time to wonder how he did that before he sealed her lips with a passionate kiss. He didn't want her to think that he didn't want this; he wanted to make love to her more than anything but he knew he didn't want to rush it. Not the first time and not after all she's been through. He wanted her to remember it with love in her heart, not insecurity or doubt because they had rushed things. Her intentions were clear from the very beginning and he didn't mind that but he wanted her to feel loved and cherished more than anything because that's what she really needed.

"We've got so much time," he whispered between kisses and a smile crossed her lips. "I'm not going anywhere," he reassured her. He knew that she was afraid of losing him and the things that made her happy but he needed her to know that he wouldn't go anywhere, not without her. She nodded, slightly out of breath and a low chuckle escaped her lips when he bent down to lay her down on the bed. For an instant she thought that he'd just drop her and crash onto her, getting lost in the moment but much to her surprise he laid her down gently, never taking his eyes off her when her body sank onto the soft bed.

"Are you okay?" he wanted to know, an arm draped over her stomach. He didn't want to be on top of her, he didn't want her to feel caged or smothered.

"Yes," she whispered, her hand softly caressing his cheek. She ignored the faint warning in her mind; she knew these doubts were just the last remaining ones that she had to overcome somehow. She focused on him and how much she wanted and needed this. She closed her eyes, allowed him to touch and gently explore her body little by little. She enjoyed his surprisingly soft hands touching her arms and the soft skin of her stomach, leaving goose bumps behind. She relished in the warmth and their closeness but with every touch his soft hands left behind, the voices in her head screamed a little louder. She tried to ignore it because this is what she really wanted and it had felt so right only seconds ago but now her body was starting to fight it with all its strength. She tried to concentrate on Robin and how loved he'd made her feel during these last few weeks and how wonderful his hands felt but she wasn't strong enough to banish the demons that had been lingering ever since; laughing at her from the dark shadows in every corner of this godforsaken palace. She kept her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to remain in control. She felt his hands on her body, so soft and... taunting. Regina bit her lip, heart pounding furiously against her chest and if she wasn't mistaken that was simply out of fear and not pleasure.

She pulled Robin in for another kiss, holding him close so he was hovering above her. She wanted him as close as possible; maybe his presence would help soothe her. They kissed until she felt light-headed, the need for oxygen forcing them apart.

"You're so beautiful," he whispered and she turned her head away from him, trying not to let the words touch her deep inside. She had heard these words before, back in a place where she'd vowed herself never to return. She had fought so hard not to think of it again for the rest of her life and now it all came back, crushing her with merciless strength. The pressure on her chest increased, made it hard to breathe and suddenly she was watching herself from far away; retreated to a numb place where she couldn't be harmed. Detached so he wouldn't be too close, wouldn't hurt her too much.

There were only two people in her life who had told her that and these were the only people who had touched her deep inside on two different levels. One of them had hurt her so deeply that she had been shattered beyond repair, suffering from self-loathing, shame and regret and the other one was this wonderful man who had meant no harm and had done more for her then she'd ever imagined possible. He'd simply wanted her to feel loved and safe and she was so grateful but right now she had lost control of her demons and the fear shut her down entirely. Her hands were trembling when the torturous images of her past seeped into her mind and blackened her vision. She wanted to fight them but she lost it, the never-ending struggle that brought tears to her eyes. She felt the scalding tears pool in the corner of her eyes, running down the sides of her face.

She didn't realize that she had stopped responding; every part of her body was tensed and she didn't move. Her heart was pounding against her chest, making her feel dizzy; she couldn't breathe and it scared her. She wanted to get away and protect herself, maybe it wouldn't last very long and it'd be over before she knew it. Just the mere thought made her feel sick to her stomach but maybe it wouldn't be long.

It wasn't until he called her name from afar that she knew that something was wrong.

_Regina wandered through the dark castle at night. She didn't know it very well yet and she thought she'd be afraid but soon she'd discovered the soothing calmness, the protection that the shadows offered at night; when everything was quiet and her demons kept her awake._

_She had spent hours, walking through the darkness; filled with numbness and unbearable pain. She hadn't had time to mourn Daniel's loss, hadn't been granted time to let the wounds heal when he'd torn them apart again. She had walked through corridors and halls, through the garden in the dead of the night. She wasn't sure how long she'd been Queen already. The last couple of weeks had passed by in a clouded haze, a nightmare filled with pain and anger, guilt and hopelessness._

_During the days, she found things that distracted her from the miserable life she'd been forced to live and sometimes it didn't hurt as much any longer. It wasn't until the sun set at the horizon that she watched the last bits of sunshine disappear with all her hope. When there was light, there was hope but as soon as it was gone, she felt the fear seeping into her veins._

_She never knew what to expect, what he would ask of her and she didn't know what to do. Regina was nervous every night, praying that the King would be fast asleep and didn't want her attention; that she wouldn't be called to his bedchambers. She was grateful for every minute she got to spend on her own, knowing that it wouldn't last forever. The one thing that never changed was the fact that she cried herself to sleep every night. At the beginning she had simply been terrified and disgusted but with the time she wondered if that was the one thing she had to do as his wife and the Queen, wondering if she even had a right to tell him off. Maybe that was the way things would be from now on and maybe she'd be better off accepting her fate and give in._

_With the time, the tears had faded and she had learned not to let the feelings reach her heart. She'd lost track of all the times she'd allowed it to happen, wondering if it'd been her own fault after all. She had started blaming herself for everything that had been done to her and maybe it won't be too bad once she stopped whining about it. Somehow, Regina survived through all those horrible nights, blocking out the terrible reality. Their encounters had always passed in a haze and Regina remained resilient, hardly ever showed any reaction until it was over. Sometimes she'd felt like she was sitting next to herself, watching and holding her hand until it all ended._

_Most of the time, it helped but sometimes it filled her with emotions she had never known existed. Tonight was one of those nights; she wandered through the castle, aimless and lost. She was filled with an emptiness that made her feel hollow. She walked through the cold and deserted corridor on tired feet but she knew she wouldn't be able to sleep now. She had been trying to get away from him as fast as possible that she had left her shoes behind but she didn't care. She stopped every couple of minutes, feeling so empty that it was hard to breathe and she refused to cry just yet. She didn't want to be weak and when things seemed particularly bad, when she felt like all hope was gone she just closed her eyes and left. She tried to think of a happier place, one where she'd be protected and loved but these images never lasted long and still she knew she'd manage to get through it all somehow. When she opened her eyes, she looked at herself. She knew it wasn't real and it was just the lack of sleep and the confusion that played tricks on her mind, a sad hallucination of her pitiful self that took her by the hand and led her away from the darkness, made her walk until she couldn't bear it any longer._

_Regina walked toward the garden, aching for fresh air. She needed to breathe, feel the cold winter breeze on her bare skin. She wanted to wash it all away, to erase the traces he had left behind. The touches that would be forever burned onto her skin. Just the mere thought of it made her shiver in disgust, made her walk a little faster. It was raining when Regina stepped outside, the rain falling in torrents and within seconds she was soaked and chilled to the bone. She fell on her knees with closed eyes, the rain washing over her endlessly. It erased the traces of the night, even just for the moment and she started to cry. The sobs came slowly, drowned out by the falling rain. She was angry and empty at the same time; she didn't know what to do. She was afraid and ashamed; hating herself for what was happening but she didn't know how to get out of it. She slowly lost hope that things would change and that it'd get better someday. She felt hopeless when she thought about all the lost chances; the future they'd ripped her of. What hurt the most was the betrayal she felt. It was the one thing that she couldn't deal with. The way her own mother had forced her to marry a man who was old enough to be her father because she wanted power. She had never considered the consequences and the pain Regina would have to endure. She must've known that the King wanted another child, a prince to take over the throne some day; she had sold her own daughter like a piece of trash for a little bit of power and wealth._

_She had never cared much about Regina's fate and neither did the King._

"Regina," he asked again, softly but worried. His voice sounded distant and Regina tried to regain her composure somehow, but the fear had numbed her entirely. She started to gasp for air, breathing heavily. She couldn't stop those horrible memories from returning; suddenly she felt the King's hands on her body, felt every touch and every mark that he had ever left behind.

She felt stomach churn at the memories and she knew she needed to get away from here or she'd suffocate.

"Sorry," she whispered breathlessly and turned away from him; he let her go and watched her run away from him. He knew where to find her and he'd give her a couple of seconds before he'd find her.

Regina ran through the empty corridors, breathing heavily. The tears were streaming down her face and the memories chased her, far away from the one person she really needed right now. She couldn't shake off the feeling of the King's hands, claiming her body. She felt him too close, smelled him on her own body and it wasn't until she dropped down on her knees on the cold and damp grass, that she threw up and the feeling eased off just a little. She felt the cold sweat on her face, tears in her eyes and her body trembled. She felt weak and chilled to the bone and it took her a couple of seconds to get up and walk over to the bench on weak knees.

She pulled her knees close and hugged herself, trying to ward off the chill that came from within. Regina felt drained and empty, feeling sorry for Robin whom she'd left behind right now. He had done nothing wrong and she felt sorry for him but moreover she was ashamed for being so weak and letting these ancient demons catch up with her.

Robin found her in the garden, sitting on a bench. She looked tired and pale, even from a small distance he could see that she was shivering. He knew that he hadn't done anything wrong and still he felt so sorry and he wanted nothing but to be able to comfort her and give her what she needed, if only he knew what was going on inside her head. He walked over to the bench, she didn't look up when he approached but he didn't mind. Robin didn't hesitate when he sat down behind her, wrapped his arms around her shoulder and pulled her close. She leaned in without hesitation, her head resting on his shoulder, her cheek against his. He felt the cold sweat that covered her skin, her body still slightly trembling.

"Just breathe," Robin whispered into her ear and she tried. She felt his heart beat against her back, tried to concentrate in the steady rhythm. Slowly, her breath calmed a little until she was finally able to take a deep breathe.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered weakly, her voice cracking. "I'm so sorry, I didn't... I didn't mean to," she said.

"Don't be," he told her calmly. "We'll be okay," he said and she was weeping bitterly."Talk to me," he said quietly. "Please, talk to me," he didn't ask her. He was begging her to talk to him. He wanted to help her, to make her feel better but he couldn't do it until he knew what truly caused her so much pain.

Regina cried until the exhaustion took over; she leaned into his arms, feeling a little calmer now. She wanted to tell him the truth but she didn't know if she'd be strong enough and she didn't want to burden him with it. She was still somewhat ashamed of all of this and she didn't know if she could do it, but she'd have to try sooner or later. Once again she listened to his steady heartbeat, soothing her with that one thought on her mind that had helped her through many nights of tears and pain.

_Maybe, Tomorrow will be kinder._


End file.
